Dear Congressman,
As you prepare to leave Washington and go back to everyday life, it appears on the West Coast that the world's most eligible geriatric, Hugh Hefner, has decided to take another shot at the roller coaster known as holy matrimony, as the gossip press is reporting that he has dropped on one artificial knee and proposed to number one girlfriend, Crystal Harris.
Now, since she is 60 years his younger, one would wonder whether they have anything in common, since he probably has dentures older than she is. But, as with any other couple that are further apart in age than the starting and ending characters in a James Michener novel, there are still things they they share that cement their bond.
He was born in April.
She was born in April.
She born in the year of the the Fire Tiger.
He born in the year of the the Fire Tiger.
She likes gin and tonic.
He used to wear hair tonic.
She grew up in the Great Recession.
He grew up in the Great Depression.
He got rich off Marilyn Monroe.
She got stoned to Marilyn Manson.
She was born during the Reagan administration.
He was bored during the Reagan administration.
She was excited to meet Eddie Murphy.
He was excited to meet Audie Murphy.
She was 10 years old when the internet went public.
He was 10 years old when the television went public.
Her parents dated in the early 80's.
He dated in his early 80's.
He was born the same year as British TV personality Ted Moult.
She was born the same year that British TV personality Ted Moult died.
and if that isn't proof enough:
He loves young women in their early twenties.
She is a young woman in her early twenties.
Makes sense to me...
Monday, December 27, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Delete this, and then delete me as a contact
Dear Congressman,
The title of this post is the title of an email I received while at work. Personally, it really irritates me when someone uses another person's sacrifice and just automatically assumes that they did it for their particular point of view. The comments in bold are, of course, mine....
My great great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Civil War (didn't he try to save them?)
My grandfather watched as his friends died in WW II (again, I would probably have tried to do something)
and my father watched as my friends died in Vietnam. (you must have older friends that your father didn't like if he didn't help your friends either)
None of them died for the Mexican Flag. (nope, they died serving their country)
Everyone died for the U.S. flag. (I'd like to think they died defending our ideals and freedom, not a piece of fabic that you seem to admire above all other things)
In Texas , a student raised a Mexican flag on a school flag pole; another student took it down.
Guess who was expelled...the kid who took it down. (wrong, the flag was hanging on a balcony, and he was suspended for throwing it in the trash as it was someone else's property)
Kids in high school in California were sent home this year on Cinco de Mayo because they wore T-shirts with the American flag printed on them. (do you think maybe they were trying to provoke the Hispanic population of Morgan Hill, Ca. by all 5 of them wearing flag shirts and bandanas on their heads? call me when it happens on the 4th of July)
Enough is enough. (my my.. we have a short fuse, don't we!)
The below e-mail message needs to be viewed by every American; and every American needs to stand up for America. (is it okay if I stay seated, or is that too unpatriotic?)
We've bent over to appease the America-haters long enough. (actually, you have been bent over by anyone who can afford a lobby in Washington DC)
I'm taking a stand. (if you don't pay for the stand, you will be arrested, as we prosecute thieves in this country)
I'm standing up because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the U.S. flag can't stand up. (and most American's appreciate their sacrifice without smearing their honor to support their personal adgenda, so before you can say it SHAME ON YOU!)
And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message. (I always love this one, the famous "you are either with us or against us, there is no other option!!!!)
Let me make this perfectly clear! (so far, so good)
THIS IS MY COUNTRY! (really, can I see your title of ownership, here I am paying taxes to the government and I should have been mailing my check to you!)
And, because I make This statement DOES NOT Mean I'm against immigration!!! (glad to hear that, because otherwise you are a really pissed off and misguided native American)
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY! (Thank you! I will sleep better tonight)
Welcome! To come through legally:
1. Get a sponsor! (I take it you or your friends won't be offering your services)
2. Get a place to lay your head! (not too tough, there are a lot of foreclosed houses out there that your fellow Americans got kicked out of by those patriotic American banks)
3. Get a job! (that's a little tougher, as there are over 8 million American's in line before them)
4. Live By OUR Rules! (Ja wohl, mein kommandant)
5. Pay YOUR Taxes! (the Tea Party might disagree with you here)
6. Learn the LANGUAGE like immigrants have in the past!!! (technically, it is usually the next generation that learned the language, as the older ones stayed in support communities ... ie- little Italy, Chinatown...etc)
7. Please don't demand that we hand over our lifetime savings of Social Security Funds to you. (hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no savings account of Social Security Funds, it is a pay-as-you-go system, and contrary to popular folklore, you can not cross the Rio Grande and start collecting Social Security instantly.)
If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone,Then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM! (guess I am part of the problem, let me know which un-American detention center I am suppose to report to when you take charge)
When will AMERICANS STOP giving away THEIR RIGHTS??? (I don't see anyone breaking down your door for posting this crap, so you already have more rights at that point then 1/3 of the planet's population)
We've gone so far the other way...bent over backwards not to offend anyone. (my guess is that you probably could not bend any further forward either as you have spent more time in the buffet line than at the gym. Not that it is un-American to be obsese...)
But it seems no one cares about the AMERICAN CITIZEN that's being offended! (you do, and that is enough for me!)
If You agree.... Pass this on. (I just passed something but it wasn't this)
If You don't agree.. Delete It!!! (the final line of this misguided tirade is the first time you have presented the greatest gift our veterans have given with their sacrifice (in my opinion): freedom to choose how you wish to live and what you want to say)
(So thank you, Soldiers one and all, thank you.)
The title of this post is the title of an email I received while at work. Personally, it really irritates me when someone uses another person's sacrifice and just automatically assumes that they did it for their particular point of view. The comments in bold are, of course, mine....
My great great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Civil War (didn't he try to save them?)
My grandfather watched as his friends died in WW II (again, I would probably have tried to do something)
and my father watched as my friends died in Vietnam. (you must have older friends that your father didn't like if he didn't help your friends either)
None of them died for the Mexican Flag. (nope, they died serving their country)
Everyone died for the U.S. flag. (I'd like to think they died defending our ideals and freedom, not a piece of fabic that you seem to admire above all other things)
In Texas , a student raised a Mexican flag on a school flag pole; another student took it down.
Guess who was expelled...the kid who took it down. (wrong, the flag was hanging on a balcony, and he was suspended for throwing it in the trash as it was someone else's property)
Kids in high school in California were sent home this year on Cinco de Mayo because they wore T-shirts with the American flag printed on them. (do you think maybe they were trying to provoke the Hispanic population of Morgan Hill, Ca. by all 5 of them wearing flag shirts and bandanas on their heads? call me when it happens on the 4th of July)
Enough is enough. (my my.. we have a short fuse, don't we!)
The below e-mail message needs to be viewed by every American; and every American needs to stand up for America. (is it okay if I stay seated, or is that too unpatriotic?)
We've bent over to appease the America-haters long enough. (actually, you have been bent over by anyone who can afford a lobby in Washington DC)
I'm taking a stand. (if you don't pay for the stand, you will be arrested, as we prosecute thieves in this country)
I'm standing up because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the U.S. flag can't stand up. (and most American's appreciate their sacrifice without smearing their honor to support their personal adgenda, so before you can say it SHAME ON YOU!)
And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message. (I always love this one, the famous "you are either with us or against us, there is no other option!!!!)
Let me make this perfectly clear! (so far, so good)
THIS IS MY COUNTRY! (really, can I see your title of ownership, here I am paying taxes to the government and I should have been mailing my check to you!)
And, because I make This statement DOES NOT Mean I'm against immigration!!! (glad to hear that, because otherwise you are a really pissed off and misguided native American)
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY! (Thank you! I will sleep better tonight)
Welcome! To come through legally:
1. Get a sponsor! (I take it you or your friends won't be offering your services)
2. Get a place to lay your head! (not too tough, there are a lot of foreclosed houses out there that your fellow Americans got kicked out of by those patriotic American banks)
3. Get a job! (that's a little tougher, as there are over 8 million American's in line before them)
4. Live By OUR Rules! (Ja wohl, mein kommandant)
5. Pay YOUR Taxes! (the Tea Party might disagree with you here)
6. Learn the LANGUAGE like immigrants have in the past!!! (technically, it is usually the next generation that learned the language, as the older ones stayed in support communities ... ie- little Italy, Chinatown...etc)
7. Please don't demand that we hand over our lifetime savings of Social Security Funds to you. (hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no savings account of Social Security Funds, it is a pay-as-you-go system, and contrary to popular folklore, you can not cross the Rio Grande and start collecting Social Security instantly.)
If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone,Then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM! (guess I am part of the problem, let me know which un-American detention center I am suppose to report to when you take charge)
When will AMERICANS STOP giving away THEIR RIGHTS??? (I don't see anyone breaking down your door for posting this crap, so you already have more rights at that point then 1/3 of the planet's population)
We've gone so far the other way...bent over backwards not to offend anyone. (my guess is that you probably could not bend any further forward either as you have spent more time in the buffet line than at the gym. Not that it is un-American to be obsese...)
But it seems no one cares about the AMERICAN CITIZEN that's being offended! (you do, and that is enough for me!)
If You agree.... Pass this on. (I just passed something but it wasn't this)
If You don't agree.. Delete It!!! (the final line of this misguided tirade is the first time you have presented the greatest gift our veterans have given with their sacrifice (in my opinion): freedom to choose how you wish to live and what you want to say)
(So thank you, Soldiers one and all, thank you.)
Friday, December 17, 2010
Corrections
Dear Congressman,
As you slumber somewhere in the greater DC area after staying up half the night to vote on the "screw the deficit/give me my money!" bill that sailed through the House last week, I was reviewing some corrections from newspapers that never happened, but thought it would be humorous if they did.
From the Topeka Sun Daily:
In yesterday's addition in a story in the Sports section on page 3, we quoted Kansas City Chief's ex-running back Larry Johnson as stating: You all are the biggest bunch of racists M!@#$( F(@%$%ers I ever done met. Due an error in transcription, Mr Johnson actually said: Does anyone have a Ricola? Thank you!" We apologize for any confusion this error may have caused.
From the Sacramento Herald
Yesterday, in our headline story, we made a minor error when discussing the charges against Congressman Trueall as filed by the Sacramento Police Department. The story should have read that Mr. Trueall was arrested and charged with jaywalking, but instead we stated that Mr. Trueall was arrested in the nude while running down Capital Mall holding two lit roman candles and barking like a dog. We hope our typo did not cause any undo harm to interested parties and regret the mistake.
From the St. Petersburg Vision
It has come to our attention that there were several errors in our story in last Sunday's Living Section entitled "Brian Grayson: Retired Bank President enjoys new life". We received several calls from patrons of the "Salt Shaker Lounge" to refute that Mr. Grayson has ever bought a round of drinks for regular attendees, let alone the multiple times Mr. Grayson has claimed to have done. Additionally, in reference to the incident where Mr. Grayson described rescuing a neighbor's cat from a tree, the neighbor's lawyer indicated that his client, Mr. Grayson's neighbor, did not consider blasting away at his cat with a shotgun while in a drunken stupor a "rescue attempt" and was still considering his legal options in this matter.
and finally...
From the Loma Linda Times
In yesterday's lead story, we reported that Mayor Frank Lindenwald did not return a call as part of our expose on bribes, kickbacks, and graft in City Hall. After we had already gone to print, a person who inferred that he was a representative of the Mayor's office did pay a visit to our offices yesterday to discuss the story, and as part of the agreement to mitigate potential future arson issues at our place of work, we hereby retract all allegations in yesterday's story. In fact, we don't even know who's idea it was to print such as bunch of lame lies and innuendo and when we find out we will be the first to fire them!
As you slumber somewhere in the greater DC area after staying up half the night to vote on the "screw the deficit/give me my money!" bill that sailed through the House last week, I was reviewing some corrections from newspapers that never happened, but thought it would be humorous if they did.
From the Topeka Sun Daily:
In yesterday's addition in a story in the Sports section on page 3, we quoted Kansas City Chief's ex-running back Larry Johnson as stating: You all are the biggest bunch of racists M!@#$( F(@%$%ers I ever done met. Due an error in transcription, Mr Johnson actually said: Does anyone have a Ricola? Thank you!" We apologize for any confusion this error may have caused.
From the Sacramento Herald
Yesterday, in our headline story, we made a minor error when discussing the charges against Congressman Trueall as filed by the Sacramento Police Department. The story should have read that Mr. Trueall was arrested and charged with jaywalking, but instead we stated that Mr. Trueall was arrested in the nude while running down Capital Mall holding two lit roman candles and barking like a dog. We hope our typo did not cause any undo harm to interested parties and regret the mistake.
From the St. Petersburg Vision
It has come to our attention that there were several errors in our story in last Sunday's Living Section entitled "Brian Grayson: Retired Bank President enjoys new life". We received several calls from patrons of the "Salt Shaker Lounge" to refute that Mr. Grayson has ever bought a round of drinks for regular attendees, let alone the multiple times Mr. Grayson has claimed to have done. Additionally, in reference to the incident where Mr. Grayson described rescuing a neighbor's cat from a tree, the neighbor's lawyer indicated that his client, Mr. Grayson's neighbor, did not consider blasting away at his cat with a shotgun while in a drunken stupor a "rescue attempt" and was still considering his legal options in this matter.
and finally...
From the Loma Linda Times
In yesterday's lead story, we reported that Mayor Frank Lindenwald did not return a call as part of our expose on bribes, kickbacks, and graft in City Hall. After we had already gone to print, a person who inferred that he was a representative of the Mayor's office did pay a visit to our offices yesterday to discuss the story, and as part of the agreement to mitigate potential future arson issues at our place of work, we hereby retract all allegations in yesterday's story. In fact, we don't even know who's idea it was to print such as bunch of lame lies and innuendo and when we find out we will be the first to fire them!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Los coffins
Dear Congressman,
As the economy starts to pick up, companies (hopefully) start to re-hire some of the 8 million who were sidelined during this recession as they start to generate more sales that trickle down to the bottom line.
Another way that companies use to protect how they generate income is to protect their products against unfair practices, such as high end retailers (aka - Gucci & Fendi) who fight against cheap knockoffs and Movie distributors who take on all those cheap Chinese & Russian knockoffs of their wares.
So why limit it to just these products? That was exactly the line of thinking that a local company,
Hillenbrand Inc., the largest U.S. maker of coffins, decided about their inventory of caskets. They filed a complaint with the U.S. International Trade Commission as Ataudes Aguilares, a Guadalajara, Mexico company, was importing caskets with "attached memorabilia compartments and mechanisms for letting funeral home directors swap out ornamental corner pieces".
Now, I am all for protecting jobs in these here United States and making sure their is a fair playing field for competition, but let me see if I understand this one:
A container designed to be placed in the ground for all eternity and viewed by mourners who are all looking at the deceased and not the container for approximately two hours tops needs a patent protection against cheap knock offs because ..... well... good point... why?
Let's ask the deceased: "Excuse me sir? Do feel cheated laying in this mexican coffin? Sir? Sir?"
Doesn't seem to matter to the deceased.
Let's ask a close relative. "Excuse me maam? Maam? Can you stop crying for a minute so I can ask you a question? No... okay.. sorry to bother you Maam."
Nope, too upset to notice that the dearly departed is lying in a taco box.
Maybe I am being flippant, but filing suit to protect a box designed to be hidden in less than 48 hours after you have purchased it does not strike me as needing protection from NAFTA. After all, chances part of the reason the deceased is deceased in the first place is the drugs he/she took that were smuggled in from Mexico.
As the economy starts to pick up, companies (hopefully) start to re-hire some of the 8 million who were sidelined during this recession as they start to generate more sales that trickle down to the bottom line.
Another way that companies use to protect how they generate income is to protect their products against unfair practices, such as high end retailers (aka - Gucci & Fendi) who fight against cheap knockoffs and Movie distributors who take on all those cheap Chinese & Russian knockoffs of their wares.
So why limit it to just these products? That was exactly the line of thinking that a local company,
Hillenbrand Inc., the largest U.S. maker of coffins, decided about their inventory of caskets. They filed a complaint with the U.S. International Trade Commission as Ataudes Aguilares, a Guadalajara, Mexico company, was importing caskets with "attached memorabilia compartments and mechanisms for letting funeral home directors swap out ornamental corner pieces".
Now, I am all for protecting jobs in these here United States and making sure their is a fair playing field for competition, but let me see if I understand this one:
A container designed to be placed in the ground for all eternity and viewed by mourners who are all looking at the deceased and not the container for approximately two hours tops needs a patent protection against cheap knock offs because ..... well... good point... why?
Let's ask the deceased: "Excuse me sir? Do feel cheated laying in this mexican coffin? Sir? Sir?"
Doesn't seem to matter to the deceased.
Let's ask a close relative. "Excuse me maam? Maam? Can you stop crying for a minute so I can ask you a question? No... okay.. sorry to bother you Maam."
Nope, too upset to notice that the dearly departed is lying in a taco box.
Maybe I am being flippant, but filing suit to protect a box designed to be hidden in less than 48 hours after you have purchased it does not strike me as needing protection from NAFTA. After all, chances part of the reason the deceased is deceased in the first place is the drugs he/she took that were smuggled in from Mexico.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Fly me...
Dear Congressman,
As part of putting together electronic records for the Cincinnati Airport, I came across an annual report prepared by airport staff in 1968. This guide included airline slogans for the main carriers that flew into the airport during that era. I will list them for you below, however it would not be me if I did not include some rambling of my own as we play "where are they now" to these brilliant snippets of 1960's marketing genius.
Eastern Airlines : Smiling faces going places. This turned out to be untrue, as in 1989 Eastern Airlines declared for bankruptcy protection after being crippled by employee strikes and inability to compete after de-regulation. They limped along until January 1991, when (with no warning) they closed the jet bridges, sent everyone home, and sold off the airplanes. Not too many smiles over that one...
TWA: When your happy, I'm Happy. Too bad they ain't so happy nowadays. TWA was a bastion of USA airline international presence up until the aforementioned airline deregulation act of 1978. After this point, it was pretty much a downward slide for TWA, also fondly referred to as "Try Walking Across" by it's customer base. It was not "third time lucky" for TWA, as their third bankruptcy in less than 10 years in 2001 was basically a staged event to sell the assets of the company to American Airlines. Not too much happiness for TWA employees on that fateful day in April 2001.
Allegheny: You've got a lot more going for you. To be honest, I barely remember this airline. But unlike the first two airlines discussed, this one saw the writing on the wall and was proactive. With our re-occurring theme, deregulation, looming over their regional operations, Allegheny decided that they needed a more "national" name and changed their name to US Air in 1979, Not that it was all peaches and cream after that, as US Air went through some major struggles after 9/11 and were only given a reprieve when purchased by American West in 2005.
Piedmont: Route of the pacemakers. Even though their motto appears to imply that they went into business to transport individuals with heart problems, they actually were a southeastern US success story, as they grew their route system from the Carolinas up into the Ohio valley. In fact, they were so well run and profitable, that US Air decided they needed to join together and purchased them in 1989. Thus, there are no more planes flying with the Piedmont logo on their tails, but the name lives on as a subsidiary of US Air, since they have to occasionally use the name or risk losing the sole rights to the name.
American: Fly the American way. Funny, because that motto makes more sense now then it did back in the 60's. Of course, no need on my part to explain that American Airlines is still around and flying, as they are one of the last major carriers remaining in these United States. But with baggage fees, excess weight baggage fees, additional baggage fees, additional excess weight baggage fees, seat upgrade fees, food service fees, beverage service fees, headset rental fees and blanket/pillow rental fees, you truly are now flying the American way!
Delta: Delta is ready when you are. Delta. through a nasty bankruptcy in the mid 2000's, has now merged with Northwest Airlines and become one of the behemoths of flight. This motto tends to be rather innocuous, implying that Delta will take off on time, feed you when you are hungry, fly to where you want to fly, and have your luggage ready and waiting when you get off the plane. In reality, it is probably one of the best double entendres ever unintentionally written into a slogan. One can't help but envision the substitution of a smiling employee ready to help you with a neanderthal in greasy coveralls holding a wrench ready to beat the tar out of you the first time you say anything that could be misinterpreted as demanding. Because, if you do, Delta is ready when you are...
As part of putting together electronic records for the Cincinnati Airport, I came across an annual report prepared by airport staff in 1968. This guide included airline slogans for the main carriers that flew into the airport during that era. I will list them for you below, however it would not be me if I did not include some rambling of my own as we play "where are they now" to these brilliant snippets of 1960's marketing genius.
Eastern Airlines : Smiling faces going places. This turned out to be untrue, as in 1989 Eastern Airlines declared for bankruptcy protection after being crippled by employee strikes and inability to compete after de-regulation. They limped along until January 1991, when (with no warning) they closed the jet bridges, sent everyone home, and sold off the airplanes. Not too many smiles over that one...
TWA: When your happy, I'm Happy. Too bad they ain't so happy nowadays. TWA was a bastion of USA airline international presence up until the aforementioned airline deregulation act of 1978. After this point, it was pretty much a downward slide for TWA, also fondly referred to as "Try Walking Across" by it's customer base. It was not "third time lucky" for TWA, as their third bankruptcy in less than 10 years in 2001 was basically a staged event to sell the assets of the company to American Airlines. Not too much happiness for TWA employees on that fateful day in April 2001.
Allegheny: You've got a lot more going for you. To be honest, I barely remember this airline. But unlike the first two airlines discussed, this one saw the writing on the wall and was proactive. With our re-occurring theme, deregulation, looming over their regional operations, Allegheny decided that they needed a more "national" name and changed their name to US Air in 1979, Not that it was all peaches and cream after that, as US Air went through some major struggles after 9/11 and were only given a reprieve when purchased by American West in 2005.
Piedmont: Route of the pacemakers. Even though their motto appears to imply that they went into business to transport individuals with heart problems, they actually were a southeastern US success story, as they grew their route system from the Carolinas up into the Ohio valley. In fact, they were so well run and profitable, that US Air decided they needed to join together and purchased them in 1989. Thus, there are no more planes flying with the Piedmont logo on their tails, but the name lives on as a subsidiary of US Air, since they have to occasionally use the name or risk losing the sole rights to the name.
American: Fly the American way. Funny, because that motto makes more sense now then it did back in the 60's. Of course, no need on my part to explain that American Airlines is still around and flying, as they are one of the last major carriers remaining in these United States. But with baggage fees, excess weight baggage fees, additional baggage fees, additional excess weight baggage fees, seat upgrade fees, food service fees, beverage service fees, headset rental fees and blanket/pillow rental fees, you truly are now flying the American way!
Delta: Delta is ready when you are. Delta. through a nasty bankruptcy in the mid 2000's, has now merged with Northwest Airlines and become one of the behemoths of flight. This motto tends to be rather innocuous, implying that Delta will take off on time, feed you when you are hungry, fly to where you want to fly, and have your luggage ready and waiting when you get off the plane. In reality, it is probably one of the best double entendres ever unintentionally written into a slogan. One can't help but envision the substitution of a smiling employee ready to help you with a neanderthal in greasy coveralls holding a wrench ready to beat the tar out of you the first time you say anything that could be misinterpreted as demanding. Because, if you do, Delta is ready when you are...
Sunday, December 12, 2010
All good things come to an end
Dear Congressman,
Well, after less than six months as my new muse since moving into your district, I now will have to wind up this blog as, due to the fickle nature of the US voting public, you have been the victim of "throw the bums out" micro mentality that rotates politicians in this country faster than bridezilla goes through wedding planners.
So today, as an unfortunate necessity, we must break out the term "lame duck". It's origins, according to Wikipedia, are from the 18th century and the London Stock Exchange, as a term for an individual who could not cover their debts.
And how does that transfer to politics? No one seems to be quite sure, but the first recorded use in American was in January 1863 in the Congressional Record : “In no event . . . could the Court of Claims be justly obnoxious to the charge of being a receptacle of ‘lame ducks’ or broken down politicians".
Personally, I would rather be a lame duck than a broken down politician, but sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.
So... what to do as a lame duck? That depends on whether you plan on running for public office again. If you do, then as a lame duck, you do exactly what your party tells you to do.
But it is more fun if you decide not to run for office again. Because then, so a short period of time, you can be an anomaly in Washington D.C. : an elected official who speaks his or her mind and does not give a monkey's backside what anyone else thinks.
Here's a couple of ideas for making a splash on your exit from the House of Representatives:
1. Get together with all the rest of the lame ducks go skinny dipping in the fountain in front of the Capitol Building. Then again, after seeing most of your peers with their clothes on, that idea might cause enduring trauma to journalists and small school children. Never mind...
2. Present a bill on the floor of the House than bans smoking anywhere within a mile of the House chambers. You would all but guarantee that John Boehner would miss every major vote due to his consistent love of chain smoking, not to mention turn him a deeper shade of orange whenever the topic is brought up.
3. Present an earmark for the next spending bill that provides $250,000 to build a moat around your house in Cincinnati. Justify this by stating that your opponent ran such a vicious campaign that you have received death threats from all those Glen Beck followers who seem to truly believe that it was not enough to vote you out of office, but that they must make sure you never run again.
4. Make a speech on the House floor that explains to the world the great qualities of your family pet, Blazer the French Poodle. Make sure you include the funny story about the time he tried to mount Blaine, the family cat.
and finally,
5. During the countdown to your final 30 days in office, post a memo on the door to your offices in Congress once a day that notes what was offered to you in the way of a "gift to the party" by your local friendly lobbyists. To make this more fun, start with the smallest "offer" and work your way up to the "grand grafter". Be sure to thank the lobbyist's sponsor in bold letters at the bottom of the sign.
Just a thought...
Well, after less than six months as my new muse since moving into your district, I now will have to wind up this blog as, due to the fickle nature of the US voting public, you have been the victim of "throw the bums out" micro mentality that rotates politicians in this country faster than bridezilla goes through wedding planners.
So today, as an unfortunate necessity, we must break out the term "lame duck". It's origins, according to Wikipedia, are from the 18th century and the London Stock Exchange, as a term for an individual who could not cover their debts.
And how does that transfer to politics? No one seems to be quite sure, but the first recorded use in American was in January 1863 in the Congressional Record : “In no event . . . could the Court of Claims be justly obnoxious to the charge of being a receptacle of ‘lame ducks’ or broken down politicians".
Personally, I would rather be a lame duck than a broken down politician, but sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.
So... what to do as a lame duck? That depends on whether you plan on running for public office again. If you do, then as a lame duck, you do exactly what your party tells you to do.
But it is more fun if you decide not to run for office again. Because then, so a short period of time, you can be an anomaly in Washington D.C. : an elected official who speaks his or her mind and does not give a monkey's backside what anyone else thinks.
Here's a couple of ideas for making a splash on your exit from the House of Representatives:
1. Get together with all the rest of the lame ducks go skinny dipping in the fountain in front of the Capitol Building. Then again, after seeing most of your peers with their clothes on, that idea might cause enduring trauma to journalists and small school children. Never mind...
2. Present a bill on the floor of the House than bans smoking anywhere within a mile of the House chambers. You would all but guarantee that John Boehner would miss every major vote due to his consistent love of chain smoking, not to mention turn him a deeper shade of orange whenever the topic is brought up.
3. Present an earmark for the next spending bill that provides $250,000 to build a moat around your house in Cincinnati. Justify this by stating that your opponent ran such a vicious campaign that you have received death threats from all those Glen Beck followers who seem to truly believe that it was not enough to vote you out of office, but that they must make sure you never run again.
4. Make a speech on the House floor that explains to the world the great qualities of your family pet, Blazer the French Poodle. Make sure you include the funny story about the time he tried to mount Blaine, the family cat.
and finally,
5. During the countdown to your final 30 days in office, post a memo on the door to your offices in Congress once a day that notes what was offered to you in the way of a "gift to the party" by your local friendly lobbyists. To make this more fun, start with the smallest "offer" and work your way up to the "grand grafter". Be sure to thank the lobbyist's sponsor in bold letters at the bottom of the sign.
Just a thought...
Friday, December 10, 2010
A day in the life of emails
Dear Congressman,
I don't know about you, but it appears to me that the spammers and hackers out there have definitely been brushing up on both their English language skills and their overall "cleverness". As you know, their purpose is simple; they want you to click on a particular link they have provided for your convenience, which once selected will usually result in your computer running slower than a 1979 vintage British Rail all-stops-to Bognor Regis train ride, while spyware is either turning your computer into a George Romero movie extra or extracting all personal data, right down to your hat size and pizza topping preferences.
but I digress...
Here was the standard message this crowd would normally send:
From: Michael Lang
http://pleaseclickhere.com/files/435120464/surprise.exe Simple without any covert tricks, if you click on the link, your next credit card statement will be maxed out with a very expensive evening of wining, dining and shopping in an Eastern European county that you have never heard of.
But here are two examples of the spam I found in my mail box this morning:
I don't know about you, but it appears to me that the spammers and hackers out there have definitely been brushing up on both their English language skills and their overall "cleverness". As you know, their purpose is simple; they want you to click on a particular link they have provided for your convenience, which once selected will usually result in your computer running slower than a 1979 vintage British Rail all-stops-to Bognor Regis train ride, while spyware is either turning your computer into a George Romero movie extra or extracting all personal data, right down to your hat size and pizza topping preferences.
but I digress...
Here was the standard message this crowd would normally send:
From: Michael Lang
http://pleaseclickhere.com/files/435120464/surprise.exe Simple without any covert tricks, if you click on the link, your next credit card statement will be maxed out with a very expensive evening of wining, dining and shopping in an Eastern European county that you have never heard of.
But here are two examples of the spam I found in my mail box this morning:
From: untangle@microease.com [mailto:untangle@microease.com]
Sent: Tuesday, November 23, 2010 9:15 AM
Subject: Quarantine Digest
Quarantine Digest for xxxxxxxx.xx
“Click here to access your spam quarantine.”
The spam quarantine contains emails that are being held from your email account.
Quarantined emails can be released to your inbox or deleted using the spam quarantine link.
Wow, I am impressed! They found someone who can string together a sentence in English without sounding like a badly dubbed martial arts film. Also, those more trusting might be tempted to see what was blocked from their account, only to fall for this simple ruse and end up finding the FBI at your door asking why your computer is hosting wikileaks.
-----Original Message-----
From: Amanda Trevino [mailto:a.trevino@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 24, 2010 8:33 AM
To: Rich in Cincy
Subject: Amanda Trevino commented on your photo
Amanda Trevino commented on your photo.
To see the comment thread, follow the link below:
http://www.facebook.com/n/photo.php&bid=155175754523620&set=a.145049682202894.23363.10&mid=7f9cbG9
Thanks,
The Facebook Team
This one is even better, I mean who doesn't have a friend named Amanda Trevino who comments on their photos! And she probably has some very important advice regarding your photos, how great you look and that you should be in the movies. However, for some strange reason, a week after clicking on this link a retired elderly Russian woman who speaks little English shows up on your doorstep claiming to be your new mother-in-law, and that Tatiana will be along shortly once you have provided her with a car to pick her up from the hotel she is staying at in New York city while shopping on.... well... you get the picture....
So, in summary, lets be careful out there....
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Wikileak, UK edition
Dear Congressman,
Today I present a snippet from the Wikileaks secret microphone in the British Prime Minister's office. It was personally planted by Julian Assange when he sneaked in while everyone in the UK was distracted by England's shambolic performance in this summer's World Cup.
The tape is date stamped September 27, 2010 at 10:15am GMT.
First 3 minutes are of general background noises mixed with the sound of someone humming the latest Katy Perry song out-of-tune. This is interrupted by another individual knocking on the main office door.
Prime Minister: Come...
PM Executive Secretary: Prime Minister, I have your call placed and Prince William is waiting on line 3.
Prime Minister: Excellent, thank you Gwynne, that will be all.
Sound of door closing, Prime Minister clearing throat and then picking up a telephone.
Prime Minister: (speaking in a loud voice)
Hello...
Yes, yes, I am well, thank you.
How is your grandmother?
Good, send her my regards.
Will, The last year has been dreadful, both economically and in the World Cup. Not to mention the austerity measures that this government has introduced has everyone marching the streets with pitchforks and torches.
What was that?.... no, no, don't worry, that was a figure of speech, there aren't any actual people headed toward the palace... no William, I believe all those people outside the gate are tourists, as the daily changing of the Guard ceremony is going to occur in about 15 minutes...
Yes, I will wait while you get a drink...
Sound of fingers tapping on a desk and humming of same Katy Perry song, still out of tune...
Feeling better... good...sorry, it was not my intention to startle you.
Now, back to the matter at hand. As for your loyal subjects, I don't know how much more doom and gloom the constituency are willing to endure. So my cabinet and I have discussed the matters in great frequency and have come up with several ideas to help alleviate the malaise that appears to have settled over our fair little island.
Pardon, William... yes, you have an idea to help the financial issues? Yes, I'll listen.
It is a fair idea, Prince William, and I assure you I will present it to my senior staff members as soon as we finish this conversation. I will say that it might cost her majesty's government a little too much money to give every UK citizen a new car. Yes, yes, even if we exclude Wales and Northern Ireland, but I promise to present it to them.
As I was saying, the reason I called is to see if you are willing to do a personal favor to the government that will help to ease the tension in the public and take their minds off their many and troubling personal problems? You are! Splendid!
So tell me William, how is the relationship with that girlfriend of yours? Kate,is it? How is that going along?...
Today I present a snippet from the Wikileaks secret microphone in the British Prime Minister's office. It was personally planted by Julian Assange when he sneaked in while everyone in the UK was distracted by England's shambolic performance in this summer's World Cup.
The tape is date stamped September 27, 2010 at 10:15am GMT.
First 3 minutes are of general background noises mixed with the sound of someone humming the latest Katy Perry song out-of-tune. This is interrupted by another individual knocking on the main office door.
Prime Minister: Come...
PM Executive Secretary: Prime Minister, I have your call placed and Prince William is waiting on line 3.
Prime Minister: Excellent, thank you Gwynne, that will be all.
Sound of door closing, Prime Minister clearing throat and then picking up a telephone.
Prime Minister: (speaking in a loud voice)
Hello...
Yes, yes, I am well, thank you.
How is your grandmother?
Good, send her my regards.
Will, The last year has been dreadful, both economically and in the World Cup. Not to mention the austerity measures that this government has introduced has everyone marching the streets with pitchforks and torches.
What was that?.... no, no, don't worry, that was a figure of speech, there aren't any actual people headed toward the palace... no William, I believe all those people outside the gate are tourists, as the daily changing of the Guard ceremony is going to occur in about 15 minutes...
Yes, I will wait while you get a drink...
Sound of fingers tapping on a desk and humming of same Katy Perry song, still out of tune...
Feeling better... good...sorry, it was not my intention to startle you.
Now, back to the matter at hand. As for your loyal subjects, I don't know how much more doom and gloom the constituency are willing to endure. So my cabinet and I have discussed the matters in great frequency and have come up with several ideas to help alleviate the malaise that appears to have settled over our fair little island.
Pardon, William... yes, you have an idea to help the financial issues? Yes, I'll listen.
It is a fair idea, Prince William, and I assure you I will present it to my senior staff members as soon as we finish this conversation. I will say that it might cost her majesty's government a little too much money to give every UK citizen a new car. Yes, yes, even if we exclude Wales and Northern Ireland, but I promise to present it to them.
As I was saying, the reason I called is to see if you are willing to do a personal favor to the government that will help to ease the tension in the public and take their minds off their many and troubling personal problems? You are! Splendid!
So tell me William, how is the relationship with that girlfriend of yours? Kate,is it? How is that going along?...
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Bitterness abound
Dear Congressman,
Sorry I have not written to you in some time, but I figured you were busy lining up a moving company to clear out your place in Washington, while you and your staff shredded two years of files that littered your offices.
Hopefully you are not taking the defeat too hard. Being with the incumbent party when the economy is in the tank generally does not lend itself well to your re-election chances, just as the downfall of the economy in 2008 did not exactly endear the voting public to the man you having been trading the district seat with, Steve Chabot.
Some of your compadres on the Hill have not been quite so gracious in defeat. I would like to quote this gentleman, James Oberstar of Minnesota, in a New York Times article today:
"I expected to leave at some point, that I'd make the decision in due course. I'm not angry; I'm disappointed."
Now, I would be the first to tell you that the American voter tends to be fickle and shallow, voting on short term whims and desires and forcing politicians to base their platforms on the headlines of the day rather than the long term problems that are troubling our country. However, when I see a statement as arrogant as this, implying that Mr. Oberstar has a pre-ordained right to decide as an elected official how long he is given the privilege of serving the good people of northeast Minnesota, it makes me rethink this bias. The honorable gentleman from Minnesota seems to have assumed that because the voters saw fit to elect him to office every year since 1975 to represent them in Washington that he has somehow miraculously attained tenure and is immune from being removed from office at the will of the people. (Or the well funded political action committees and/or corporations that funded his opponent that defeated him, depending on your perspective)
I say, thank you for your many years of service to this country, Mr. Oberstar. Now take your defeat like a man and go do what most of the other defeated incumbents are going to do...
Rent an office, hang a shingle, register as a lobbyist, and start dialing for dollars....
Sorry I have not written to you in some time, but I figured you were busy lining up a moving company to clear out your place in Washington, while you and your staff shredded two years of files that littered your offices.
Hopefully you are not taking the defeat too hard. Being with the incumbent party when the economy is in the tank generally does not lend itself well to your re-election chances, just as the downfall of the economy in 2008 did not exactly endear the voting public to the man you having been trading the district seat with, Steve Chabot.
Some of your compadres on the Hill have not been quite so gracious in defeat. I would like to quote this gentleman, James Oberstar of Minnesota, in a New York Times article today:
"I expected to leave at some point, that I'd make the decision in due course. I'm not angry; I'm disappointed."
Now, I would be the first to tell you that the American voter tends to be fickle and shallow, voting on short term whims and desires and forcing politicians to base their platforms on the headlines of the day rather than the long term problems that are troubling our country. However, when I see a statement as arrogant as this, implying that Mr. Oberstar has a pre-ordained right to decide as an elected official how long he is given the privilege of serving the good people of northeast Minnesota, it makes me rethink this bias. The honorable gentleman from Minnesota seems to have assumed that because the voters saw fit to elect him to office every year since 1975 to represent them in Washington that he has somehow miraculously attained tenure and is immune from being removed from office at the will of the people. (Or the well funded political action committees and/or corporations that funded his opponent that defeated him, depending on your perspective)
I say, thank you for your many years of service to this country, Mr. Oberstar. Now take your defeat like a man and go do what most of the other defeated incumbents are going to do...
Rent an office, hang a shingle, register as a lobbyist, and start dialing for dollars....
Friday, October 29, 2010
Portrait of the US as a young man...
Dear Congressman,
As you are well aware, we are all headed for the ballot box next Tuesday. Between you, me, and the wall, I would prefer to continue writing this blog to your attention. However, looking at the polls, it does not look to good for that particular prospect.
In the meantime, the TV airwaves are dominated with political ads, as candidates pitch their positions and slag their opponents using bold sweeping statements and quickly moving graphics. One that kept sticking in my mind was the consistent pitch of your Republican opponents, who are running out that tried and dependable fallback banner ad of "cut taxes" and "reduce big government".
Must sound good to some voters as this appears to be the complete platform of the Tea Party. The problem is that everyone speaks in short sentences and no one appears to dig into the numbers and actually look at them. Most likely because this would be the surest way not to get elected.
So, since I am not running for anything and don't plan on running for anything in this lifetime or the next, I decided to visit the Office of Management & Budget and pull the numbers myself.
Lets pretend that Uncle Sam is a rich rodeo clown living in a rich suburb of Atlanta and earning exactly $1 million per year. Using 2009 numbers, here is a breakdown of his salary:
Individual Income Tax receipts: $466,320
Social Security receipts: $351,628
Corporate Income Tax receipts: $125,640
Other $ 56,412
Total: $ 1,000,000
Now, the problem with our rich rodeo clown model is that he spends more then he earns. Then again, isn't that what our economy is based on?
Uncle Sam the rodeo clown spent $ 1,150,895 in 2009. Here is a breakdown of the highlights:
Military Spending $ 294,153
Medicare & Medicaid $ 273,573
Social Security $ 256,592
Interest on debt $ 202,893
Everything Else $ 123,684
Total : $ 1,150,894
Now, since Uncle Sam is so far underwater with expenses vs. income, someone needs to explain how cutting taxes is going to fix this problem? I believe the fall back is that it will stimulate the economy and grow the tax base. So we are going to make it up on volume? Uhhh... doubtful.
Now the "big government" argument holds some merit, as the US government is the largest employer in the US and has the highest payroll, but as you can see by the expense numbers, all the income is spent on Military, Medicare, Social Security, and debt payments (aka the Big 4). I used $1million as a benchmark for a reason, to show that 103% of receipts go to fund the Big 4, so the remaining "big government" amount of 12.4% is not so big a piece of the pie.
In a nutshell, here is what needs to happen to fix things:
either
1. raise taxes to pay the bills
2. cut spending in the big 4
or
3. some combination of 1 & 2
Like I said, I would never get elected with that platform, because it is by the numbers...
As you are well aware, we are all headed for the ballot box next Tuesday. Between you, me, and the wall, I would prefer to continue writing this blog to your attention. However, looking at the polls, it does not look to good for that particular prospect.
In the meantime, the TV airwaves are dominated with political ads, as candidates pitch their positions and slag their opponents using bold sweeping statements and quickly moving graphics. One that kept sticking in my mind was the consistent pitch of your Republican opponents, who are running out that tried and dependable fallback banner ad of "cut taxes" and "reduce big government".
Must sound good to some voters as this appears to be the complete platform of the Tea Party. The problem is that everyone speaks in short sentences and no one appears to dig into the numbers and actually look at them. Most likely because this would be the surest way not to get elected.
So, since I am not running for anything and don't plan on running for anything in this lifetime or the next, I decided to visit the Office of Management & Budget and pull the numbers myself.
Lets pretend that Uncle Sam is a rich rodeo clown living in a rich suburb of Atlanta and earning exactly $1 million per year. Using 2009 numbers, here is a breakdown of his salary:
Individual Income Tax receipts: $466,320
Social Security receipts: $351,628
Corporate Income Tax receipts: $125,640
Other $ 56,412
Total: $ 1,000,000
Now, the problem with our rich rodeo clown model is that he spends more then he earns. Then again, isn't that what our economy is based on?
Uncle Sam the rodeo clown spent $ 1,150,895 in 2009. Here is a breakdown of the highlights:
Military Spending $ 294,153
Medicare & Medicaid $ 273,573
Social Security $ 256,592
Interest on debt $ 202,893
Everything Else $ 123,684
Total : $ 1,150,894
Now, since Uncle Sam is so far underwater with expenses vs. income, someone needs to explain how cutting taxes is going to fix this problem? I believe the fall back is that it will stimulate the economy and grow the tax base. So we are going to make it up on volume? Uhhh... doubtful.
Now the "big government" argument holds some merit, as the US government is the largest employer in the US and has the highest payroll, but as you can see by the expense numbers, all the income is spent on Military, Medicare, Social Security, and debt payments (aka the Big 4). I used $1million as a benchmark for a reason, to show that 103% of receipts go to fund the Big 4, so the remaining "big government" amount of 12.4% is not so big a piece of the pie.
In a nutshell, here is what needs to happen to fix things:
either
1. raise taxes to pay the bills
2. cut spending in the big 4
or
3. some combination of 1 & 2
Like I said, I would never get elected with that platform, because it is by the numbers...
Monday, October 25, 2010
Minutes from the Iraqi Parliament
Dear Congressman,
As you continue to battle for your political future in the elections here in the next few days, I took note of an article in the New York Times that stated the Iraqi courts have ordered the Parliament to convene. Now our system of government is far from perfect, but at a minimum we can get most members of the legislature together in the same building for consistent periods of time, if not only to filibuster, hold a press conference, or entertain a lobbyist.
So, I thought I would present the minutes from the Iraqi Parliament, not unlike our own Congressional Record.
March 2010: Praise Allah, the glorious election of the new leaders of our beloved Republic is complete! Citizens are dancing and singing in the streets in jubilation over this wonderful event that will lead us into prosperity and happiness. Many members have already contacted this office to find out when Parliament will convene to perform the will of the Iraqi people.
April 2010: Praise Allah. New government is surely a blessing for our wonderful country. However, due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, the elected officials have not yet been able to meet to guide the future of our glorious nation. It appears that even with the great efforts of the clerical staff of the Parliament, the required gold plated name tags for all members are still on back order and will not be available until some time in May. At that time, once they are received and distributed to the honorable members of this esteemed body, the function of guiding Iraq towards its destiny will begin!
May 2010: Praise Allah. Blessing abounds as the name tags finally arrived this month! We began distribution immediately to the satisfaction of the members of this esteem body. To ensure fairness and comply with the wishes of all parties, the name tags were all delivered at exactly the same time by hired contractors. Now this task is behind us, Parliament is being readied to accommodate the needs of our lawmakers as they come together and shape Iraq's place in this world.
June 2010: Praise Allah. Glorious days!!! The Parliament came together this month and met for the first time. On the morning of the 15, a quorum was reached and the governing of this great nation began in earnest. Unfortunately, due to prior commitments of many of the members of this magnificent organization the session only lasted 18 minutes. During this period, the group acted on one important piece of legislature. It became apparent upon inspection by some members of this esteemed institution that the name tags issued last month were written in Chinese instead of the requested Arabic. Thus, by unanimous consent, the Iraqi Parliament voted to demand a refund for the aforementioned name tags and a series to be produced with names in Arabic and produced in solid gold rather than gold plating. Once the vote was taken, the members agreed by decree to meet again once the name tags were delivered.
July 2010: Praise Allah. The solid gold name tags are still being produced. According to the official Parliament translator, the vendor has committed to have them ready for delivery by the middle of August.
August 2010: Praise Allah. An unfortunate event has delayed the name tags again. It appears the tags were shipped via the horn of Africa and accidentally seized by our Muslim brothers in Somalia as it mistakenly entered their territorial waters. To date this body has been unsuccessful in finding out exactly which of our Muslim brothers actually has our name tags.
September 2010: Praise Allah. Eventually the Muslim brothers who seized our shipment were tracked down. As they had already used the proceeds from the sale of the name tags to finance a mosque in honor of the Iraqi Parliament, we did not pursue this matter in the courts of Somalia. After agreeing to pay in advance this time, our vendor has agreed to prepare and rush another order of name tags in time to allow our Parliament to meet in October.
October 2010: Praise Allah. This is definitely not going to go down in history as the best year of the Iraqi Parliament. It appears the solid gold name tags made it to the port of Al-Basrah and the harbour inspector signed the bill of lading. However, due to a paperwork error, the shipment was stuck in customs for two weeks before being released. Once released, it was discovered that some of the name tags were replaced with a batch of souvenir Euro-Disney glitter tags. Additionally, while in transit from Al-Basrah to Baghdad, the security team apologetically let us know that some more tags "must have fallen off the truck on the way". Since there were only 6 solid gold tags left when they arrived, the staff decided to melt them down and leave town, as we now will surely be the scapegoats for why Parliament never seems to meet. Praise Allah and goodbye..
As you continue to battle for your political future in the elections here in the next few days, I took note of an article in the New York Times that stated the Iraqi courts have ordered the Parliament to convene. Now our system of government is far from perfect, but at a minimum we can get most members of the legislature together in the same building for consistent periods of time, if not only to filibuster, hold a press conference, or entertain a lobbyist.
So, I thought I would present the minutes from the Iraqi Parliament, not unlike our own Congressional Record.
REPUBLIC OF IRAQ جمهورية العراق
Official transcript of Parliament meeting minutes : March - October 2010March 2010: Praise Allah, the glorious election of the new leaders of our beloved Republic is complete! Citizens are dancing and singing in the streets in jubilation over this wonderful event that will lead us into prosperity and happiness. Many members have already contacted this office to find out when Parliament will convene to perform the will of the Iraqi people.
April 2010: Praise Allah. New government is surely a blessing for our wonderful country. However, due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, the elected officials have not yet been able to meet to guide the future of our glorious nation. It appears that even with the great efforts of the clerical staff of the Parliament, the required gold plated name tags for all members are still on back order and will not be available until some time in May. At that time, once they are received and distributed to the honorable members of this esteemed body, the function of guiding Iraq towards its destiny will begin!
May 2010: Praise Allah. Blessing abounds as the name tags finally arrived this month! We began distribution immediately to the satisfaction of the members of this esteem body. To ensure fairness and comply with the wishes of all parties, the name tags were all delivered at exactly the same time by hired contractors. Now this task is behind us, Parliament is being readied to accommodate the needs of our lawmakers as they come together and shape Iraq's place in this world.
June 2010: Praise Allah. Glorious days!!! The Parliament came together this month and met for the first time. On the morning of the 15, a quorum was reached and the governing of this great nation began in earnest. Unfortunately, due to prior commitments of many of the members of this magnificent organization the session only lasted 18 minutes. During this period, the group acted on one important piece of legislature. It became apparent upon inspection by some members of this esteemed institution that the name tags issued last month were written in Chinese instead of the requested Arabic. Thus, by unanimous consent, the Iraqi Parliament voted to demand a refund for the aforementioned name tags and a series to be produced with names in Arabic and produced in solid gold rather than gold plating. Once the vote was taken, the members agreed by decree to meet again once the name tags were delivered.
July 2010: Praise Allah. The solid gold name tags are still being produced. According to the official Parliament translator, the vendor has committed to have them ready for delivery by the middle of August.
August 2010: Praise Allah. An unfortunate event has delayed the name tags again. It appears the tags were shipped via the horn of Africa and accidentally seized by our Muslim brothers in Somalia as it mistakenly entered their territorial waters. To date this body has been unsuccessful in finding out exactly which of our Muslim brothers actually has our name tags.
September 2010: Praise Allah. Eventually the Muslim brothers who seized our shipment were tracked down. As they had already used the proceeds from the sale of the name tags to finance a mosque in honor of the Iraqi Parliament, we did not pursue this matter in the courts of Somalia. After agreeing to pay in advance this time, our vendor has agreed to prepare and rush another order of name tags in time to allow our Parliament to meet in October.
October 2010: Praise Allah. This is definitely not going to go down in history as the best year of the Iraqi Parliament. It appears the solid gold name tags made it to the port of Al-Basrah and the harbour inspector signed the bill of lading. However, due to a paperwork error, the shipment was stuck in customs for two weeks before being released. Once released, it was discovered that some of the name tags were replaced with a batch of souvenir Euro-Disney glitter tags. Additionally, while in transit from Al-Basrah to Baghdad, the security team apologetically let us know that some more tags "must have fallen off the truck on the way". Since there were only 6 solid gold tags left when they arrived, the staff decided to melt them down and leave town, as we now will surely be the scapegoats for why Parliament never seems to meet. Praise Allah and goodbye..
Monday, October 11, 2010
Quarterback parts...
Dear Congressman,
Things did not go well for Cincinnati sporting teams this weekend, as the Bengals fell to a visiting Florida team and the Reds went down in flames against Philly in the baseball playoffs. All said, not a great day for the Queen city this last Sunday.
But, as wiser people have said, it could be worse. Let's say, to take a random example, you are an NFL quarterback living in New York and bored out of your mind. So you decide to make friends with other people in your team's organization to help relieve the monotony.
So you think to yourself, as any rational person would think, that you will make friends with a team "media host" who is 10 years your junior, has purchased an A1 boob job, and can bounce dimes off her stomach. So what that you are married. Just don't tell your wife about this part of your life and everything will be fine. After all, you are a quarterback, everyone loves you!
So you send a few text messages to her suggesting you would like to be "friends". No reply... no problem. She doesn't know it is you, rugged all American quarterback type, so you leave her a rambling voice mail or two stating your intentions to spend some quality time with her.
But there is still no response. So what would a normal person do next? Move on to the two massage therapists who are more responsive to your advances? Maybe... Forget about the whole thing and go back to your wife and kids. Not the worst fate on the planet.
Nah..... I have a better idea! Why not take a few pictures of your most private parts with a cellphone and send the pictures to her!!!! Why, that is BRILLIANT! This tactic is a sure fire way to get any member of the female species to stop what every they are doing at that particular moment and run into your arms for an amorous night of kama sutra-inspired sexual congress that could make a porn star blush. Genius!
After all, what the heck could go wrong? Everyone loves the quarterback!!!!
Things did not go well for Cincinnati sporting teams this weekend, as the Bengals fell to a visiting Florida team and the Reds went down in flames against Philly in the baseball playoffs. All said, not a great day for the Queen city this last Sunday.
But, as wiser people have said, it could be worse. Let's say, to take a random example, you are an NFL quarterback living in New York and bored out of your mind. So you decide to make friends with other people in your team's organization to help relieve the monotony.
So you think to yourself, as any rational person would think, that you will make friends with a team "media host" who is 10 years your junior, has purchased an A1 boob job, and can bounce dimes off her stomach. So what that you are married. Just don't tell your wife about this part of your life and everything will be fine. After all, you are a quarterback, everyone loves you!
So you send a few text messages to her suggesting you would like to be "friends". No reply... no problem. She doesn't know it is you, rugged all American quarterback type, so you leave her a rambling voice mail or two stating your intentions to spend some quality time with her.
But there is still no response. So what would a normal person do next? Move on to the two massage therapists who are more responsive to your advances? Maybe... Forget about the whole thing and go back to your wife and kids. Not the worst fate on the planet.
Nah..... I have a better idea! Why not take a few pictures of your most private parts with a cellphone and send the pictures to her!!!! Why, that is BRILLIANT! This tactic is a sure fire way to get any member of the female species to stop what every they are doing at that particular moment and run into your arms for an amorous night of kama sutra-inspired sexual congress that could make a porn star blush. Genius!
After all, what the heck could go wrong? Everyone loves the quarterback!!!!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
How much is that really?
Dear Congressman,
It appears the French bank employee who traded above his pay grade has received the French version of justice. Jerome Kerviel is most well known for moving the Dow over 500 points downward when the US markets were closed for Martin Luther King Day as his superiors at Societe Generale desperately unwound his unauthorized positions before anyone got wind of what they were doing. Societe Generale took a huge loss on his trade positions, approximately $6.7 billion, when they closed them out. However, if they had let word out before hand about what they were doing, then all the other traders would have sat on their hands and held out for rock bottom pricing, costing them even more in losses and potentially bankrupting one of France's largest banks.
So it was no surprise that besides a five year jail sentence, Jerome was ordered to repay the entire $6.7 billion to Societe Generale.
How is he going to accomplish this? Lets run the numbers....
Jerome will go to jail for about 2.2 years of a 3 year sentence before release for good behavior. He was born in 1977 so in when he is released he will be 36 years old. As the average life expectancy in France is currently 81 years, Jerome will need to find employment that pays $148 million per year to meet this bill before he meets his maker. Even if Jerome takes no vacation time, he will still need to earn $1,590.69 per hour of every working day of his life, unless he works some overtime, and then that will lower the average a bit. That doesn't include any taxes or factor in that Jerome will occasionally want to eat or drink something, so actual needs might be a tad higher.
Or, lets say French doctors put down the wine and cigarettes long enough to come up with a miracle drug that makes us live longer. A big if... but what the heck... that would mean that if Jerome can find a gig that lets him clear $80,000 per year (not to shabby for a convicted felon), then he will only have to labor a mere 83,750 years before Societe Generale will stamp his lien free and clear. So he might miss a couple of ice ages here and there, but at least he will have a clear conscience.
It appears the French bank employee who traded above his pay grade has received the French version of justice. Jerome Kerviel is most well known for moving the Dow over 500 points downward when the US markets were closed for Martin Luther King Day as his superiors at Societe Generale desperately unwound his unauthorized positions before anyone got wind of what they were doing. Societe Generale took a huge loss on his trade positions, approximately $6.7 billion, when they closed them out. However, if they had let word out before hand about what they were doing, then all the other traders would have sat on their hands and held out for rock bottom pricing, costing them even more in losses and potentially bankrupting one of France's largest banks.
So it was no surprise that besides a five year jail sentence, Jerome was ordered to repay the entire $6.7 billion to Societe Generale.
How is he going to accomplish this? Lets run the numbers....
Jerome will go to jail for about 2.2 years of a 3 year sentence before release for good behavior. He was born in 1977 so in when he is released he will be 36 years old. As the average life expectancy in France is currently 81 years, Jerome will need to find employment that pays $148 million per year to meet this bill before he meets his maker. Even if Jerome takes no vacation time, he will still need to earn $1,590.69 per hour of every working day of his life, unless he works some overtime, and then that will lower the average a bit. That doesn't include any taxes or factor in that Jerome will occasionally want to eat or drink something, so actual needs might be a tad higher.
Or, lets say French doctors put down the wine and cigarettes long enough to come up with a miracle drug that makes us live longer. A big if... but what the heck... that would mean that if Jerome can find a gig that lets him clear $80,000 per year (not to shabby for a convicted felon), then he will only have to labor a mere 83,750 years before Societe Generale will stamp his lien free and clear. So he might miss a couple of ice ages here and there, but at least he will have a clear conscience.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Litter mates...
Dear Congressman,
I must admit that living downtown is a big change from my days in the burbs where everyone had a yard and (for reasons I will never understand) parked two cars in their driveway while their garages were overfilled with stuff. We have managed to fit our car into the one car garage that came with our townhouse, however it took a herculean effort on our part to get to this point.
The biggest problem we currently have to battle is littering. Every other day Melody has to don a set of surgical gloves and clear the trash that individuals have casually just tossed aside thinking that the trash fairy will come along and clean it up. I guess that would make Melody and I the trash fairies.
It would be unfair to designate that the majority of people who live downtown are litterers. We have a city supplied garbage can on the street corner that is usually overflowing with trash, indicating that 99% of residents have the common decency to place their debris where it belongs. It is that other 1% that seems to believe that it is okay to just chuck unwanted items onto the streets of Cincinnati that create the ambiance we are desperately trying to avoid.
So, as an urban dweller, I would propose a new slogan for my neighborhood.
"Don't snitch, and don't litter either....."
I must admit that living downtown is a big change from my days in the burbs where everyone had a yard and (for reasons I will never understand) parked two cars in their driveway while their garages were overfilled with stuff. We have managed to fit our car into the one car garage that came with our townhouse, however it took a herculean effort on our part to get to this point.
The biggest problem we currently have to battle is littering. Every other day Melody has to don a set of surgical gloves and clear the trash that individuals have casually just tossed aside thinking that the trash fairy will come along and clean it up. I guess that would make Melody and I the trash fairies.
It would be unfair to designate that the majority of people who live downtown are litterers. We have a city supplied garbage can on the street corner that is usually overflowing with trash, indicating that 99% of residents have the common decency to place their debris where it belongs. It is that other 1% that seems to believe that it is okay to just chuck unwanted items onto the streets of Cincinnati that create the ambiance we are desperately trying to avoid.
So, as an urban dweller, I would propose a new slogan for my neighborhood.
"Don't snitch, and don't litter either....."
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sport fan advice to the uninformed
Dear Congressman,
Since you spend so much time defending the halls of Congress from the Republican onslaught of guns, God, and tax cuts, you are probably unaware of some of the faux pas that exist out there in the world of sports fans that could potentially get you strung up from a lamp post in some remote part of the world. Fortunately, I have a few examples of what not to wear when donning souvenir athletic apparel .
Rule #1: If you spend any time in Cleveland, do not wear a Miami Heat Lebron James jersey in public, unless you enjoy having half-filled glass bottles of beer lobbed at your head. Also, expect to be spit upon and have the tires of your car deflated by a sharp object. Do not expect sympathy from the Police. Expect to get a ticket for having an inoperable vehicle on a public street, then tazed repeatedly if you try to argue with him/her.
Rule #2 If you go to Ireland, do not wear a New York Red Bulls Tierry Henry jersey in public. Mr. Henry single-handily kept Ireland out of the 2010 soccer World Cup by using a single hand to allow France to score a goal in overtime and pip Ireland for the final European place in South Africa 2010. The Irish general public has not forgotten this and would gladly spike your next Guinness with arsenic if you even mention his name.
Rule #3 If you decide to spend some time in Stockholm, leave the Tiger Woods Nike baseball cap at home, as (for obvious reasons) he is not the most popular person in Sweden since it was disclosed that he was engaged in carnal knowledge with every female in America except for his Swedish wife. They probably won't like you because you are American anyway, so don't complicate the situation by being accused of favoring Tiger.
Rule #4 If you find yourself hanging out with new friends in a pub in West Ham on the eastern part of London, it is best if you do not wear the blue and white of bitter rivals Millwall FC, and ditto if you happen to be in Southwark section of London wearing the claret and blue of West Ham United. Either way, you are in danger. You will probably not understand the cockney accents that are challenging you to a fight to the death. Just apologize profusely and head for the Westside of London as soon as humanly possible.
Since you spend so much time defending the halls of Congress from the Republican onslaught of guns, God, and tax cuts, you are probably unaware of some of the faux pas that exist out there in the world of sports fans that could potentially get you strung up from a lamp post in some remote part of the world. Fortunately, I have a few examples of what not to wear when donning souvenir athletic apparel .
Rule #1: If you spend any time in Cleveland, do not wear a Miami Heat Lebron James jersey in public, unless you enjoy having half-filled glass bottles of beer lobbed at your head. Also, expect to be spit upon and have the tires of your car deflated by a sharp object. Do not expect sympathy from the Police. Expect to get a ticket for having an inoperable vehicle on a public street, then tazed repeatedly if you try to argue with him/her.
Rule #2 If you go to Ireland, do not wear a New York Red Bulls Tierry Henry jersey in public. Mr. Henry single-handily kept Ireland out of the 2010 soccer World Cup by using a single hand to allow France to score a goal in overtime and pip Ireland for the final European place in South Africa 2010. The Irish general public has not forgotten this and would gladly spike your next Guinness with arsenic if you even mention his name.
Rule #3 If you decide to spend some time in Stockholm, leave the Tiger Woods Nike baseball cap at home, as (for obvious reasons) he is not the most popular person in Sweden since it was disclosed that he was engaged in carnal knowledge with every female in America except for his Swedish wife. They probably won't like you because you are American anyway, so don't complicate the situation by being accused of favoring Tiger.
Rule #4 If you find yourself hanging out with new friends in a pub in West Ham on the eastern part of London, it is best if you do not wear the blue and white of bitter rivals Millwall FC, and ditto if you happen to be in Southwark section of London wearing the claret and blue of West Ham United. Either way, you are in danger. You will probably not understand the cockney accents that are challenging you to a fight to the death. Just apologize profusely and head for the Westside of London as soon as humanly possible.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
City dwellers
Dear Congressman,
As part of my new routine since moving into your district, I take a stroll of approximately 8 blocks to 6th street in front of the Contemporary Arts Center to take the 2x bus to CVG. When I started this walk during the heat of the summer, I was making the trek in broad daylight. However, as summer has started moving toward fall, it is darker during the morning portion of the journey.
But with that said, I am pretty sure of what I saw the other day. It was actually the return leg of my journey, and due to work duties I was on a later bus, not arriving in Cincinnati until after 7:30 pm. It was still light out, but was slowly fading as the minutes passed.
I crossed through the northern parts of Cincinnati and made my way to Central Avenue, which runs north-south from the riverfront all the way up to the northern reaches of the city, about a 2-3 mile stretch. After passing ninth street, the brownstone style building of the city give way to a large parking lot and power relay station on the east side of the road and the historic smaller residential buildings of Betts-Longworth on the west.
Ahead, running from under the fence of the relay station and headed across Central to the residential area was a squirrel. However, I noticed that it ran like no squirrel I had ever seen, as it more trotted then the usually bouncing motion one expects to see from the numerous furry rodents that populate North America from coast to coast. I looked a little harder as it continued it's journey across the road and noticed it had a long snout and skinny black tail.
It was a rat. A very impressive rat.
Now, I have seen plenty of rats in my day, some socially of the human variety, and others of the same genre of this particular creature, but I have never seen a rat the size of a squirrel before. It crossed the sidewalk and disappeared into a crevice underneath a small apartment block near the intersection of Clark Street. I pretty much stopped in my tracks, wondering whether to take a detour around the area ahead or knock on every door of the apartment complex and let them know that the Godzilla-rat lives under their stairs.
I elected to just continue on my way, but with my situational awareness studies expanded from large groups of youths to singular incidents of large Rattus Norvegicus.
As part of my new routine since moving into your district, I take a stroll of approximately 8 blocks to 6th street in front of the Contemporary Arts Center to take the 2x bus to CVG. When I started this walk during the heat of the summer, I was making the trek in broad daylight. However, as summer has started moving toward fall, it is darker during the morning portion of the journey.
But with that said, I am pretty sure of what I saw the other day. It was actually the return leg of my journey, and due to work duties I was on a later bus, not arriving in Cincinnati until after 7:30 pm. It was still light out, but was slowly fading as the minutes passed.
I crossed through the northern parts of Cincinnati and made my way to Central Avenue, which runs north-south from the riverfront all the way up to the northern reaches of the city, about a 2-3 mile stretch. After passing ninth street, the brownstone style building of the city give way to a large parking lot and power relay station on the east side of the road and the historic smaller residential buildings of Betts-Longworth on the west.
Ahead, running from under the fence of the relay station and headed across Central to the residential area was a squirrel. However, I noticed that it ran like no squirrel I had ever seen, as it more trotted then the usually bouncing motion one expects to see from the numerous furry rodents that populate North America from coast to coast. I looked a little harder as it continued it's journey across the road and noticed it had a long snout and skinny black tail.
It was a rat. A very impressive rat.
Now, I have seen plenty of rats in my day, some socially of the human variety, and others of the same genre of this particular creature, but I have never seen a rat the size of a squirrel before. It crossed the sidewalk and disappeared into a crevice underneath a small apartment block near the intersection of Clark Street. I pretty much stopped in my tracks, wondering whether to take a detour around the area ahead or knock on every door of the apartment complex and let them know that the Godzilla-rat lives under their stairs.
I elected to just continue on my way, but with my situational awareness studies expanded from large groups of youths to singular incidents of large Rattus Norvegicus.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Knock knock.... who's there?
Dear Congressman,
Today I thought we should discuss a common problem that occurs in our community from time to time. To put your mind at ease, I am not talking about a re-incarnation of Billy Mays selling Oxyflush 2012 to the unsuspecting minions out there, but a menace more invasive in your personal life and space.
What is this vile behavior that I am referring to? This would be the invasion of your doorstep by members of a religious organization different from your own. In this particular case, this world of front door warriors include both the Mormons and the Jehovah's Witnesses. These groups clean up real nice and always have a smile as they gently apply their knuckles to your portal, but once you open up they start the sales pitch to include your soul and that of your family in their immortal plan. Now personally, I have nothing against these two religions and wish them well in all their deeds, with the exception of an inane marketing plan that involves knocking on my front door when the Bengals have a 3rd and 1 in the opponents end of the field.
So... how do you defend yourself against God's chosen few? Easy, here is a few simple lines that might prove effective if they invade your porch...
#1) Hi, I'm Tony and I am a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: (Gently rubbing your head) Gee, Tony, I don't know. You see, I love God and all that stuff, but I love beer, and I heard you guys don't drink, so that is a no go for me as I plan on drinking nightly for many years to come! Cause, I really love beer!
#2) Hi, I'm Tony and I am a member of the Church of Jehovah's Witnesses. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: (staring at Tony like you are looking at his left ear) Hi Tony, I like waffles. Do you like waffles? I like waffles with blueberrys and bananas. Do you like blueberrys and bananas? I ate waffles for breakfast yesterday. Did you eat waffles for breakfast yesterday. I am gonna eat waffles for dinner tonight. Are you gonna eat waffles for breakfast tonight? Waffles are really good food. Do you think waffles are really good food, Tony?
Wait for Tony to respond and then repeat word for word the answer above.
#3) Hi, I'm Tony. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: Yes, yes he does. And he is a wonderful fellow. As a matter of fact he was here yesterday with his friends Juan and Cuauhtémoc trimming, mowing and edging the yard. He doesn't speak much english but he understands just fine. A great worker and always has a smile on his face! (serious stare at Tony) Your not undercover border patrol, are you? Cause Jesus is the best darn gardner I ever had and you would have to torture me before I would tell you where he lives. (slam door in Tony's face)
And Congressman, this one should work well for you.
#4) Hi, I'm Tony and I am going around your neighborhood interviewing your neighbors. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: Gee, Tony, I appreciate the question but my relationship with God is just dandy. However, I do have a recommendation of someone who is truly lost and could use your worldly guidance. I have a friend who lives in West Chester who has sinned his whole life and is ready for conversion. Here is his address. Now Mr. Boehner will try to slam the door in your face and tell you to get lost, but really, he does need your help, so be persistent and don't take no for an answer. After all, you are doing the Lord's work and no one said it would be easy!!! Good luck, Tony...
Today I thought we should discuss a common problem that occurs in our community from time to time. To put your mind at ease, I am not talking about a re-incarnation of Billy Mays selling Oxyflush 2012 to the unsuspecting minions out there, but a menace more invasive in your personal life and space.
What is this vile behavior that I am referring to? This would be the invasion of your doorstep by members of a religious organization different from your own. In this particular case, this world of front door warriors include both the Mormons and the Jehovah's Witnesses. These groups clean up real nice and always have a smile as they gently apply their knuckles to your portal, but once you open up they start the sales pitch to include your soul and that of your family in their immortal plan. Now personally, I have nothing against these two religions and wish them well in all their deeds, with the exception of an inane marketing plan that involves knocking on my front door when the Bengals have a 3rd and 1 in the opponents end of the field.
So... how do you defend yourself against God's chosen few? Easy, here is a few simple lines that might prove effective if they invade your porch...
#1) Hi, I'm Tony and I am a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: (Gently rubbing your head) Gee, Tony, I don't know. You see, I love God and all that stuff, but I love beer, and I heard you guys don't drink, so that is a no go for me as I plan on drinking nightly for many years to come! Cause, I really love beer!
#2) Hi, I'm Tony and I am a member of the Church of Jehovah's Witnesses. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: (staring at Tony like you are looking at his left ear) Hi Tony, I like waffles. Do you like waffles? I like waffles with blueberrys and bananas. Do you like blueberrys and bananas? I ate waffles for breakfast yesterday. Did you eat waffles for breakfast yesterday. I am gonna eat waffles for dinner tonight. Are you gonna eat waffles for breakfast tonight? Waffles are really good food. Do you think waffles are really good food, Tony?
Wait for Tony to respond and then repeat word for word the answer above.
#3) Hi, I'm Tony. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: Yes, yes he does. And he is a wonderful fellow. As a matter of fact he was here yesterday with his friends Juan and Cuauhtémoc trimming, mowing and edging the yard. He doesn't speak much english but he understands just fine. A great worker and always has a smile on his face! (serious stare at Tony) Your not undercover border patrol, are you? Cause Jesus is the best darn gardner I ever had and you would have to torture me before I would tell you where he lives. (slam door in Tony's face)
And Congressman, this one should work well for you.
#4) Hi, I'm Tony and I am going around your neighborhood interviewing your neighbors. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: Gee, Tony, I appreciate the question but my relationship with God is just dandy. However, I do have a recommendation of someone who is truly lost and could use your worldly guidance. I have a friend who lives in West Chester who has sinned his whole life and is ready for conversion. Here is his address. Now Mr. Boehner will try to slam the door in your face and tell you to get lost, but really, he does need your help, so be persistent and don't take no for an answer. After all, you are doing the Lord's work and no one said it would be easy!!! Good luck, Tony...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A trip to the courthouse
Dear Congressman,
On Monday I finally got back the post office return receipt for one of the final pieces of information I needed to complete the filing of account for the probate of my mother's estate. Needless to say it has been a long and arduous process in getting it completed, mainly because I had to open probate in two different countries to complete it.
So this morning I borrowed the wife's car and tootled off to Hamilton to the Butler County Probate clerk's office to file some of the final paperwork required by the court. The probate office opens at 8:30 am, so I arrived about 5 minutes past that appointed time to circle the courthouse and find a parking space. Fortunately, the meter where I parked displayed a notice that it was not enforced until after 9:00 am, so the need to feed coins into the metallic lollipop on the curb was not required, as I was fairly certain I would be in and out in less than ten minutes. (a correct assumption on my part)
The courthouse is an old building, having been completed in 1889. Now I know by European standards that is practically brand new, but since it was probably last painted in 1909 and the woodwork inside is all original, it does have an ambiance that would be more suited to listening to Perry Como rather than the Black Eyed Peas.
Only one entrance is open to the courthouse, and that houses the metal detectors and Sheriff's deputies who work the post. Once past this guard post, the center of the build is an open design with a view in the center up to the top of the building, once a dome but now closed off after a 1912 fire. The two staircases on either side of the building that ascent to the upper floors are a deep rich walnut that has wear patterns on the banisters from over a century of hands grabbing on as people walked up for their appointments.
Today was a court session day for the criminal court, so there were people milling about inside the central area of the courthouse, with even more waiting in the wing across from the guard post that housed the trial courtroom.
In front of my staircase I could not help but notice a family sitting in the four matching walnut chairs that lined the front of the staircase leading up to the probate clerk's office. In front of the family was a lawyer discussing something with them. He was kneeling down in front of all of them and speaking directly to a young man whose head was down as he listened.
The family members were all leaning in with concerned looks on their faces as they took in every word that the young lawyer was conveying to them. On either side of the young man was his mother and father, with other siblings on the outside of the huddle and what I can only guess was an uncle stand by on the bottom rung of the staircase leaning over them and listening as well.
Everyone had a concerned look on their face as the lawyer was talking. The young man had a pale look as he was described his options. If this was not the saddest day of his life, his posture and expression would indicate that it was a close second. As a family they had the appearance of working class, based on my observation of their appearance and dress. They did not present as "trailer trash", but also by no means had the box next to the Vanderbilts at the Opera on Saturday night.
The lawyer, continuing in his whispered tones, was mentioning something about "pleading no contest" and a potential for a shorter jail sentence by a few years, so obviously there was some type of felony involved in the young man's indictment. I continued past them and up the stairs without breaking pace, as this was a sad time for them and not a moment for me to hang around and rubberneck.
As I past, the uncle on the stairs looked up at me with a solemn gaze. I nodded as I approached, respecting the moment. He held my gaze for a split second, slightly nodded in return, and put his attention back to kneeling lawyer with the bad news.
Within a few minutes I had filed the paperwork and headed back out the door of the probate office. As I came past the lawyer was still talking, but now the mother figure was sobbing as he spoke. I did not look back or slow down as I past them, but kept a respectable pace and headed out the same guard post I had entered from not five minutes before. My day in court was done; the young man's day in court was ahead.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A little piece of cake...
Dear Congressman,
Please don't ask me where this one came from, but I have had Elvis's version of Mac Davis's "In the Ghetto" stuck in my head for the last few days. But I prefer my version, influenced by my youthful days in France. As always, no accounting for taste!
(to the tune of "In the Ghetto")
As the snow flies
On a cold and gray Parisian morn'
A creation from a pâtisserie is born
It's a gâteaux
And the pastry chef cries
'cause if there's one thing that he don't need
it's a cake that tastes like chicken feed
It's a gâteaux
People, don't you understand
the cake just needs a helping hand
or it'll grow to be stale one day
Take a look at you and me,
are we hungry enough to see,
do we simply turn our heads
and walk off to the buffet
Well the world turns
and the cake with that no one chose
sits in the window as its age starts to show
It's a gâteaux
And as it starts to rot
the chef finally gives up
and he has to admit
the cake was no good as it tastes like s*&$
It's a gâteaux
Then one night in desperation
He flings open the rear door
Walks to the garbage, opens a can,
ponders for a sec, and then dumps the whole pan
And his ego cries
And then crowd gathers 'round the forsaken food
cuz their homeless and hungry and basically screwed
And want some gâteaux
As his cake is devoured
in an alley on a gray Parisian night,
he'll bake another cake til he gets it right
It's a gâteaux
Please don't ask me where this one came from, but I have had Elvis's version of Mac Davis's "In the Ghetto" stuck in my head for the last few days. But I prefer my version, influenced by my youthful days in France. As always, no accounting for taste!
(to the tune of "In the Ghetto")
As the snow flies
On a cold and gray Parisian morn'
A creation from a pâtisserie is born
It's a gâteaux
And the pastry chef cries
'cause if there's one thing that he don't need
it's a cake that tastes like chicken feed
It's a gâteaux
People, don't you understand
the cake just needs a helping hand
or it'll grow to be stale one day
Take a look at you and me,
are we hungry enough to see,
do we simply turn our heads
and walk off to the buffet
Well the world turns
and the cake with that no one chose
sits in the window as its age starts to show
It's a gâteaux
And as it starts to rot
the chef finally gives up
and he has to admit
the cake was no good as it tastes like s*&$
It's a gâteaux
Then one night in desperation
He flings open the rear door
Walks to the garbage, opens a can,
ponders for a sec, and then dumps the whole pan
And his ego cries
And then crowd gathers 'round the forsaken food
cuz their homeless and hungry and basically screwed
And want some gâteaux
As his cake is devoured
in an alley on a gray Parisian night,
he'll bake another cake til he gets it right
It's a gâteaux
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