Minutes from the Iraqi Parliament

Dear Congressman,

As you continue to battle for your political future in the elections here in the next few days, I took note of an article in the New York Times that stated the Iraqi courts have ordered the Parliament to convene. Now our system of government is far from perfect, but at a minimum we can get most members of the legislature together in the same building for consistent periods of time, if not only to filibuster, hold a press conference, or entertain a lobbyist.

So, I thought I would present the minutes from the Iraqi Parliament, not unlike our own Congressional Record.

REPUBLIC OF IRAQ جمهورية العراق

Official transcript of Parliament meeting minutes : March - October 2010

March 2010: Praise Allah, the glorious election of the new leaders of our beloved Republic is complete! Citizens are dancing and singing in the streets in jubilation over this wonderful event that will lead us into prosperity and happiness. Many members have already contacted this office to find out when Parliament will convene to perform the will of the Iraqi people.

April 2010: Praise Allah. New government is surely a blessing for our wonderful country. However, due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, the elected officials have not yet been able to meet to guide the future of our glorious nation. It appears that even with the great efforts of the clerical staff of the Parliament, the required gold plated name tags for all members are still on back order and will not be available until some time in May. At that time, once they are received and distributed to the honorable members of this esteemed body, the function of guiding Iraq towards its destiny will begin!

May 2010: Praise Allah. Blessing abounds as the name tags finally arrived this month! We began distribution immediately to the satisfaction of the members of this esteem body. To ensure fairness and comply with the wishes of all parties, the name tags were all delivered at exactly the same time by hired contractors. Now this task is behind us, Parliament is being readied to accommodate the needs of our lawmakers as they come together and shape Iraq's place in this world.

June 2010: Praise Allah. Glorious days!!! The Parliament came together this month and met for the first time. On the morning of the 15, a quorum was reached and the governing of this great nation began in earnest. Unfortunately, due to prior commitments of many of the members of this magnificent organization the session only lasted 18 minutes. During this period, the group acted on one important piece of legislature. It became apparent upon inspection by some members of this esteemed institution that the name tags issued last month were written in Chinese instead of the requested Arabic. Thus, by unanimous consent, the Iraqi Parliament voted to demand a refund for the aforementioned name tags and a series to be produced with names in Arabic and produced in solid gold rather than gold plating. Once the vote was taken, the members agreed by decree to meet again once the name tags were delivered.

July 2010: Praise Allah. The solid gold name tags are still being produced. According to the official Parliament translator, the vendor has committed to have them ready for delivery by the middle of August.

August 2010: Praise Allah. An unfortunate event has delayed the name tags again. It appears the tags were shipped via the horn of Africa and accidentally seized by our Muslim brothers in Somalia as it mistakenly entered their territorial waters. To date this body has been unsuccessful in finding out exactly which of our Muslim brothers actually has our name tags.

September 2010: Praise Allah. Eventually the Muslim brothers who seized our shipment were tracked down. As they had already used the proceeds from the sale of the name tags to finance a mosque in honor of the Iraqi Parliament, we did not pursue this matter in the courts of Somalia. After agreeing to pay in advance this time, our vendor has agreed to prepare and rush another order of name tags in time to allow our Parliament to meet in October.

October 2010: Praise Allah. This is definitely not going to go down in history as the best year of the Iraqi Parliament. It appears the solid gold name tags made it to the port of Al-Basrah and the harbour inspector signed the bill of lading. However, due to a paperwork error, the shipment was stuck in customs for two weeks before being released. Once released, it was discovered that some of the name tags were replaced with a batch of souvenir Euro-Disney glitter tags. Additionally, while in transit from Al-Basrah to Baghdad, the security team apologetically let us know that some more tags "must have fallen off the truck on the way". Since there were only 6 solid gold tags left when they arrived, the staff decided to melt them down and leave town, as we now will surely be the scapegoats for why Parliament never seems to meet. Praise Allah and goodbye..