Portrait of the US as a young man...

Dear Congressman,

As you are well aware, we are all headed for the ballot box next Tuesday. Between you, me, and the wall, I would prefer to continue writing this blog to your attention. However, looking at the polls, it does not look to good for that particular prospect.

In the meantime, the TV airwaves are dominated with political ads, as candidates pitch their positions and slag their opponents using bold sweeping statements and quickly moving graphics. One that kept sticking in my mind was the consistent pitch of your Republican opponents, who are running out that tried and dependable fallback banner ad of "cut taxes" and "reduce big government".

Must sound good to some voters as this appears to be the complete platform of the Tea Party. The problem is that everyone speaks in short sentences and no one appears to dig into the numbers and actually look at them. Most likely because this would be the surest way not to get elected.

So, since I am not running for anything and don't plan on running for anything in this lifetime or the next, I decided to visit the Office of Management & Budget and pull the numbers myself.

Lets pretend that Uncle Sam is a rich rodeo clown living in a rich suburb of Atlanta and earning exactly $1 million per year. Using 2009 numbers, here is a breakdown of his salary:

Individual Income Tax receipts: $466,320
Social Security receipts: $351,628
Corporate Income Tax receipts: $125,640
Other $ 56,412

Total: $ 1,000,000

Now, the problem with our rich rodeo clown model is that he spends more then he earns. Then again, isn't that what our economy is based on?

Uncle Sam the rodeo clown spent $ 1,150,895 in 2009. Here is a breakdown of the highlights:

Military Spending $ 294,153
Medicare & Medicaid $ 273,573
Social Security $ 256,592
Interest on debt $ 202,893
Everything Else $ 123,684
Total : $ 1,150,894

Now, since Uncle Sam is so far underwater with expenses vs. income, someone needs to explain how cutting taxes is going to fix this problem? I believe the fall back is that it will stimulate the economy and grow the tax base. So we are going to make it up on volume? Uhhh... doubtful.

Now the "big government" argument holds some merit, as the US government is the largest employer in the US and has the highest payroll, but as you can see by the expense numbers, all the income is spent on Military, Medicare, Social Security, and debt payments (aka the Big 4). I used $1million as a benchmark for a reason, to show that 103% of receipts go to fund the Big 4, so the remaining "big government" amount of 12.4% is not so big a piece of the pie.

In a nutshell, here is what needs to happen to fix things:

either
1. raise taxes to pay the bills
2. cut spending in the big 4

or
3. some combination of 1 & 2

Like I said, I would never get elected with that platform, because it is by the numbers...

Minutes from the Iraqi Parliament

Dear Congressman,

As you continue to battle for your political future in the elections here in the next few days, I took note of an article in the New York Times that stated the Iraqi courts have ordered the Parliament to convene. Now our system of government is far from perfect, but at a minimum we can get most members of the legislature together in the same building for consistent periods of time, if not only to filibuster, hold a press conference, or entertain a lobbyist.

So, I thought I would present the minutes from the Iraqi Parliament, not unlike our own Congressional Record.

REPUBLIC OF IRAQ جمهورية العراق

Official transcript of Parliament meeting minutes : March - October 2010

March 2010: Praise Allah, the glorious election of the new leaders of our beloved Republic is complete! Citizens are dancing and singing in the streets in jubilation over this wonderful event that will lead us into prosperity and happiness. Many members have already contacted this office to find out when Parliament will convene to perform the will of the Iraqi people.

April 2010: Praise Allah. New government is surely a blessing for our wonderful country. However, due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, the elected officials have not yet been able to meet to guide the future of our glorious nation. It appears that even with the great efforts of the clerical staff of the Parliament, the required gold plated name tags for all members are still on back order and will not be available until some time in May. At that time, once they are received and distributed to the honorable members of this esteemed body, the function of guiding Iraq towards its destiny will begin!

May 2010: Praise Allah. Blessing abounds as the name tags finally arrived this month! We began distribution immediately to the satisfaction of the members of this esteem body. To ensure fairness and comply with the wishes of all parties, the name tags were all delivered at exactly the same time by hired contractors. Now this task is behind us, Parliament is being readied to accommodate the needs of our lawmakers as they come together and shape Iraq's place in this world.

June 2010: Praise Allah. Glorious days!!! The Parliament came together this month and met for the first time. On the morning of the 15, a quorum was reached and the governing of this great nation began in earnest. Unfortunately, due to prior commitments of many of the members of this magnificent organization the session only lasted 18 minutes. During this period, the group acted on one important piece of legislature. It became apparent upon inspection by some members of this esteemed institution that the name tags issued last month were written in Chinese instead of the requested Arabic. Thus, by unanimous consent, the Iraqi Parliament voted to demand a refund for the aforementioned name tags and a series to be produced with names in Arabic and produced in solid gold rather than gold plating. Once the vote was taken, the members agreed by decree to meet again once the name tags were delivered.

July 2010: Praise Allah. The solid gold name tags are still being produced. According to the official Parliament translator, the vendor has committed to have them ready for delivery by the middle of August.

August 2010: Praise Allah. An unfortunate event has delayed the name tags again. It appears the tags were shipped via the horn of Africa and accidentally seized by our Muslim brothers in Somalia as it mistakenly entered their territorial waters. To date this body has been unsuccessful in finding out exactly which of our Muslim brothers actually has our name tags.

September 2010: Praise Allah. Eventually the Muslim brothers who seized our shipment were tracked down. As they had already used the proceeds from the sale of the name tags to finance a mosque in honor of the Iraqi Parliament, we did not pursue this matter in the courts of Somalia. After agreeing to pay in advance this time, our vendor has agreed to prepare and rush another order of name tags in time to allow our Parliament to meet in October.

October 2010: Praise Allah. This is definitely not going to go down in history as the best year of the Iraqi Parliament. It appears the solid gold name tags made it to the port of Al-Basrah and the harbour inspector signed the bill of lading. However, due to a paperwork error, the shipment was stuck in customs for two weeks before being released. Once released, it was discovered that some of the name tags were replaced with a batch of souvenir Euro-Disney glitter tags. Additionally, while in transit from Al-Basrah to Baghdad, the security team apologetically let us know that some more tags "must have fallen off the truck on the way". Since there were only 6 solid gold tags left when they arrived, the staff decided to melt them down and leave town, as we now will surely be the scapegoats for why Parliament never seems to meet. Praise Allah and goodbye..

Quarterback parts...

Dear Congressman,

Things did not go well for Cincinnati sporting teams this weekend, as the Bengals fell to a visiting Florida team and the Reds went down in flames against Philly in the baseball playoffs. All said, not a great day for the Queen city this last Sunday.

But, as wiser people have said, it could be worse. Let's say, to take a random example, you are an NFL quarterback living in New York and bored out of your mind. So you decide to make friends with other people in your team's organization to help relieve the monotony.

So you think to yourself, as any rational person would think, that you will make friends with a team "media host" who is 10 years your junior, has purchased an A1 boob job, and can bounce dimes off her stomach. So what that you are married. Just don't tell your wife about this part of your life and everything will be fine. After all, you are a quarterback, everyone loves you!

So you send a few text messages to her suggesting you would like to be "friends". No reply... no problem. She doesn't know it is you, rugged all American quarterback type, so you leave her a rambling voice mail or two stating your intentions to spend some quality time with her.

But there is still no response. So what would a normal person do next? Move on to the two massage therapists who are more responsive to your advances? Maybe... Forget about the whole thing and go back to your wife and kids. Not the worst fate on the planet.

Nah..... I have a better idea! Why not take a few pictures of your most private parts with a cellphone and send the pictures to her!!!! Why, that is BRILLIANT! This tactic is a sure fire way to get any member of the female species to stop what every they are doing at that particular moment and run into your arms for an amorous night of kama sutra-inspired sexual congress that could make a porn star blush. Genius!

After all, what the heck could go wrong? Everyone loves the quarterback!!!!

How much is that really?

Dear Congressman,

It appears the French bank employee who traded above his pay grade has received the French version of justice. Jerome Kerviel is most well known for moving the Dow over 500 points downward when the US markets were closed for Martin Luther King Day as his superiors at Societe Generale desperately unwound his unauthorized positions before anyone got wind of what they were doing. Societe Generale took a huge loss on his trade positions, approximately $6.7 billion, when they closed them out. However, if they had let word out before hand about what they were doing, then all the other traders would have sat on their hands and held out for rock bottom pricing, costing them even more in losses and potentially bankrupting one of France's largest banks.

So it was no surprise that besides a five year jail sentence, Jerome was ordered to repay the entire $6.7 billion to Societe Generale.

How is he going to accomplish this? Lets run the numbers....

Jerome will go to jail for about 2.2 years of a 3 year sentence before release for good behavior. He was born in 1977 so in when he is released he will be 36 years old. As the average life expectancy in France is currently 81 years, Jerome will need to find employment that pays $148 million per year to meet this bill before he meets his maker. Even if Jerome takes no vacation time, he will still need to earn $1,590.69 per hour of every working day of his life, unless he works some overtime, and then that will lower the average a bit. That doesn't include any taxes or factor in that Jerome will occasionally want to eat or drink something, so actual needs might be a tad higher.

Or, lets say French doctors put down the wine and cigarettes long enough to come up with a miracle drug that makes us live longer. A big if... but what the heck... that would mean that if Jerome can find a gig that lets him clear $80,000 per year (not to shabby for a convicted felon), then he will only have to labor a mere 83,750 years before Societe Generale will stamp his lien free and clear. So he might miss a couple of ice ages here and there, but at least he will have a clear conscience.

Litter mates...

Dear Congressman,

I must admit that living downtown is a big change from my days in the burbs where everyone had a yard and (for reasons I will never understand) parked two cars in their driveway while their garages were overfilled with stuff. We have managed to fit our car into the one car garage that came with our townhouse, however it took a herculean effort on our part to get to this point.

The biggest problem we currently have to battle is littering. Every other day Melody has to don a set of surgical gloves and clear the trash that individuals have casually just tossed aside thinking that the trash fairy will come along and clean it up. I guess that would make Melody and I the trash fairies.

It would be unfair to designate that the majority of people who live downtown are litterers. We have a city supplied garbage can on the street corner that is usually overflowing with trash, indicating that 99% of residents have the common decency to place their debris where it belongs. It is that other 1% that seems to believe that it is okay to just chuck unwanted items onto the streets of Cincinnati that create the ambiance we are desperately trying to avoid.

So, as an urban dweller, I would propose a new slogan for my neighborhood.

"Don't snitch, and don't litter either....."