Quarterback parts...

Dear Congressman,

Things did not go well for Cincinnati sporting teams this weekend, as the Bengals fell to a visiting Florida team and the Reds went down in flames against Philly in the baseball playoffs. All said, not a great day for the Queen city this last Sunday.

But, as wiser people have said, it could be worse. Let's say, to take a random example, you are an NFL quarterback living in New York and bored out of your mind. So you decide to make friends with other people in your team's organization to help relieve the monotony.

So you think to yourself, as any rational person would think, that you will make friends with a team "media host" who is 10 years your junior, has purchased an A1 boob job, and can bounce dimes off her stomach. So what that you are married. Just don't tell your wife about this part of your life and everything will be fine. After all, you are a quarterback, everyone loves you!

So you send a few text messages to her suggesting you would like to be "friends". No reply... no problem. She doesn't know it is you, rugged all American quarterback type, so you leave her a rambling voice mail or two stating your intentions to spend some quality time with her.

But there is still no response. So what would a normal person do next? Move on to the two massage therapists who are more responsive to your advances? Maybe... Forget about the whole thing and go back to your wife and kids. Not the worst fate on the planet.

Nah..... I have a better idea! Why not take a few pictures of your most private parts with a cellphone and send the pictures to her!!!! Why, that is BRILLIANT! This tactic is a sure fire way to get any member of the female species to stop what every they are doing at that particular moment and run into your arms for an amorous night of kama sutra-inspired sexual congress that could make a porn star blush. Genius!

After all, what the heck could go wrong? Everyone loves the quarterback!!!!