Today I thought we should discuss a common problem that occurs in our community from time to time. To put your mind at ease, I am not talking about a re-incarnation of Billy Mays selling Oxyflush 2012 to the unsuspecting minions out there, but a menace more invasive in your personal life and space.
What is this vile behavior that I am referring to? This would be the invasion of your doorstep by members of a religious organization different from your own. In this particular case, this world of front door warriors include both the Mormons and the Jehovah's Witnesses. These groups clean up real nice and always have a smile as they gently apply their knuckles to your portal, but once you open up they start the sales pitch to include your soul and that of your family in their immortal plan. Now personally, I have nothing against these two religions and wish them well in all their deeds, with the exception of an inane marketing plan that involves knocking on my front door when the Bengals have a 3rd and 1 in the opponents end of the field.
So... how do you defend yourself against God's chosen few? Easy, here is a few simple lines that might prove effective if they invade your porch...
#1) Hi, I'm Tony and I am a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: (Gently rubbing your head) Gee, Tony, I don't know. You see, I love God and all that stuff, but I love beer, and I heard you guys don't drink, so that is a no go for me as I plan on drinking nightly for many years to come! Cause, I really love beer!
#2) Hi, I'm Tony and I am a member of the Church of Jehovah's Witnesses. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: (staring at Tony like you are looking at his left ear) Hi Tony, I like waffles. Do you like waffles? I like waffles with blueberrys and bananas. Do you like blueberrys and bananas? I ate waffles for breakfast yesterday. Did you eat waffles for breakfast yesterday. I am gonna eat waffles for dinner tonight. Are you gonna eat waffles for breakfast tonight? Waffles are really good food. Do you think waffles are really good food, Tony?
Wait for Tony to respond and then repeat word for word the answer above.
#3) Hi, I'm Tony. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: Yes, yes he does. And he is a wonderful fellow. As a matter of fact he was here yesterday with his friends Juan and Cuauhtémoc trimming, mowing and edging the yard. He doesn't speak much english but he understands just fine. A great worker and always has a smile on his face! (serious stare at Tony) Your not undercover border patrol, are you? Cause Jesus is the best darn gardner I ever had and you would have to torture me before I would tell you where he lives. (slam door in Tony's face)
And Congressman, this one should work well for you.
#4) Hi, I'm Tony and I am going around your neighborhood interviewing your neighbors. Does Jesus play a role in your life?
Answer: Gee, Tony, I appreciate the question but my relationship with God is just dandy. However, I do have a recommendation of someone who is truly lost and could use your worldly guidance. I have a friend who lives in West Chester who has sinned his whole life and is ready for conversion. Here is his address. Now Mr. Boehner will try to slam the door in your face and tell you to get lost, but really, he does need your help, so be persistent and don't take no for an answer. After all, you are doing the Lord's work and no one said it would be easy!!! Good luck, Tony...
Answer #2 would also be a good response to an Edward Jones broker scouring your neighborhood.
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