Dear Congressman,
Since you spend so much time defending the halls of Congress from the Republican onslaught of guns, God, and tax cuts, you are probably unaware of some of the faux pas that exist out there in the world of sports fans that could potentially get you strung up from a lamp post in some remote part of the world. Fortunately, I have a few examples of what not to wear when donning souvenir athletic apparel .
Rule #1: If you spend any time in Cleveland, do not wear a Miami Heat Lebron James jersey in public, unless you enjoy having half-filled glass bottles of beer lobbed at your head. Also, expect to be spit upon and have the tires of your car deflated by a sharp object. Do not expect sympathy from the Police. Expect to get a ticket for having an inoperable vehicle on a public street, then tazed repeatedly if you try to argue with him/her.
Rule #2 If you go to Ireland, do not wear a New York Red Bulls Tierry Henry jersey in public. Mr. Henry single-handily kept Ireland out of the 2010 soccer World Cup by using a single hand to allow France to score a goal in overtime and pip Ireland for the final European place in South Africa 2010. The Irish general public has not forgotten this and would gladly spike your next Guinness with arsenic if you even mention his name.
Rule #3 If you decide to spend some time in Stockholm, leave the Tiger Woods Nike baseball cap at home, as (for obvious reasons) he is not the most popular person in Sweden since it was disclosed that he was engaged in carnal knowledge with every female in America except for his Swedish wife. They probably won't like you because you are American anyway, so don't complicate the situation by being accused of favoring Tiger.
Rule #4 If you find yourself hanging out with new friends in a pub in West Ham on the eastern part of London, it is best if you do not wear the blue and white of bitter rivals Millwall FC, and ditto if you happen to be in Southwark section of London wearing the claret and blue of West Ham United. Either way, you are in danger. You will probably not understand the cockney accents that are challenging you to a fight to the death. Just apologize profusely and head for the Westside of London as soon as humanly possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment