I'm not drunk

Dear Congressman,

I don't think I have mentioned that my younger sister is pregnant, as her and her husband are expecting their first child next March. While this has created excitement within the family, it has also led to some major bouts of morning sickness for my little sis as she tries to adjust to living for two. Subsequently, she called me last week and stated that due to her inability to function properly for more than an hour at a time that she was willing to give me her tickets to the Kings of Leon concert at Riverbend on Saturday night.

Thus Melody and I find ourselves sitting on the lawn area of Riverbend last Saturday night sipping expensive but mass-produced American well-advertised beer waiting for the main act to begin on a cloudless evening. Around us are much younger and livelier Cincinnatians who are carousing and chatting to their hearts delight. We weren't the oldest couple there, but we by far weren't the youngest either.

(Before I forget, kudos to the young lady working the concession stand who carded me to by beer, I know it is policy to card everyone but I haven't been carded in over ten years)

Anyway, among a group of college-aged kids drinking beer and laughing was a young athletic gentleman drinking with the rest of them, strutting as much as possible anytime a member of the opposite sex came within five yards of their particular grouping. He was wearing a t-shirt that stated the following:

I don't get drunk
I get awesome

Now, far be it from me to correct the youth of today, but Melody and I very quickly came to consensus that this particular young lad had either adapted some misguided assumptions regarding his behavior while intoxicated or had been the victim of a very shrewd and capable t-shirt salesman.

As he already appeared to be well on his way to his preferred state of existence, I did not endeavor to engage him in conversation to point out the error of this display, however I do have a few suggested corrections to future versions of this variety of vestment.

I don't get drunk
I get arrested

I don't get drunk
I just wake up naked on the patio with shaved eyebrows for no reason whatsoever

I don't get drunk
well... okay... maybe a little

and finally

I don't get drunk
but I do get very lame