All good things come to an end

Dear Congressman,

Well, after less than six months as my new muse since moving into your district, I now will have to wind up this blog as, due to the fickle nature of the US voting public, you have been the victim of "throw the bums out" micro mentality that rotates politicians in this country faster than bridezilla goes through wedding planners.

So today, as an unfortunate necessity, we must break out the term "lame duck". It's origins, according to Wikipedia, are from the 18th century and the London Stock Exchange, as a term for an individual who could not cover their debts.

And how does that transfer to politics? No one seems to be quite sure, but the first recorded use in American was in January 1863 in the Congressional Record : “In no event . . . could the Court of Claims be justly obnoxious to the charge of being a receptacle of ‘lame ducks’ or broken down politicians".

Personally, I would rather be a lame duck than a broken down politician, but sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.

So... what to do as a lame duck? That depends on whether you plan on running for public office again. If you do, then as a lame duck, you do exactly what your party tells you to do.

But it is more fun if you decide not to run for office again. Because then, so a short period of time, you can be an anomaly in Washington D.C. : an elected official who speaks his or her mind and does not give a monkey's backside what anyone else thinks.

Here's a couple of ideas for making a splash on your exit from the House of Representatives:

1. Get together with all the rest of the lame ducks go skinny dipping in the fountain in front of the Capitol Building. Then again, after seeing most of your peers with their clothes on, that idea might cause enduring trauma to journalists and small school children. Never mind...

2. Present a bill on the floor of the House than bans smoking anywhere within a mile of the House chambers. You would all but guarantee that John Boehner would miss every major vote due to his consistent love of chain smoking, not to mention turn him a deeper shade of orange whenever the topic is brought up.

3. Present an earmark for the next spending bill that provides $250,000 to build a moat around your house in Cincinnati. Justify this by stating that your opponent ran such a vicious campaign that you have received death threats from all those Glen Beck followers who seem to truly believe that it was not enough to vote you out of office, but that they must make sure you never run again.

4. Make a speech on the House floor that explains to the world the great qualities of your family pet, Blazer the French Poodle. Make sure you include the funny story about the time he tried to mount Blaine, the family cat.

and finally,

5. During the countdown to your final 30 days in office, post a memo on the door to your offices in Congress once a day that notes what was offered to you in the way of a "gift to the party" by your local friendly lobbyists. To make this more fun, start with the smallest "offer" and work your way up to the "grand grafter". Be sure to thank the lobbyist's sponsor in bold letters at the bottom of the sign.

Just a thought...

A day in the life of emails

Dear Congressman,

I don't know about you, but it appears to me that the spammers and hackers out there have definitely been brushing up on both their English language skills and their overall "cleverness". As you know, their purpose is simple; they want you to click on a particular link they have provided for your convenience, which once selected will usually result in your computer running slower than a 1979 vintage British Rail all-stops-to Bognor Regis train ride, while spyware is either turning your computer into a George Romero movie extra or extracting all personal data, right down to your hat size and pizza topping preferences.

but I digress...

Here was the standard message this crowd would normally send:

From: Michael Lang Subject: Hi! It's cool! Date: Sunday, December 5, 2010 11:16 PM

http://pleaseclickhere.com/files/435120464/surprise.exe

Simple without any covert tricks, if you click on the link, your next credit card statement will be maxed out with a very expensive evening of wining, dining and shopping in an Eastern European county that you have never heard of.

But here are two examples of the spam I found in my mail box this morning:

From: untangle@microease.com [mailto:untangle@microease.com]
Sent: Tuesday, November 23, 2010 9:15 AM

Subject: Quarantine Digest

Quarantine Digest for xxxxxxxx.xx

“Click here to access your spam quarantine.”

The spam quarantine contains emails that are being held from your email account.

Quarantined emails can be released to your inbox or deleted using the spam quarantine link.

Wow, I am impressed! They found someone who can string together a sentence in English without sounding like a badly dubbed martial arts film. Also, those more trusting might be tempted to see what was blocked from their account, only to fall for this simple ruse and end up finding the FBI at your door asking why your computer is hosting wikileaks.

-----Original Message-----
From: Amanda Trevino [mailto:a.trevino@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 24, 2010 8:33 AM
To: Rich in Cincy
Subject: Amanda Trevino commented on your photo

Amanda Trevino commented on your photo.

To see the comment thread, follow the link below:

http://www.facebook.com/n/photo.php&bid=155175754523620&set=a.145049682202894.23363.10&mid=7f9cbG9

Thanks,

The Facebook Team

This one is even better, I mean who doesn't have a friend named Amanda Trevino who comments on their photos! And she probably has some very important advice regarding your photos, how great you look and that you should be in the movies. However, for some strange reason, a week after clicking on this link a retired elderly Russian woman who speaks little English shows up on your doorstep claiming to be your new mother-in-law, and that Tatiana will be along shortly once you have provided her with a car to pick her up from the hotel she is staying at in New York city while shopping on.... well... you get the picture....

So, in summary, lets be careful out there....

Wikileak, UK edition

Dear Congressman,

Today I present a snippet from the Wikileaks secret microphone in the British Prime Minister's office. It was personally planted by Julian Assange when he sneaked in while everyone in the UK was distracted by England's shambolic performance in this summer's World Cup.

The tape is date stamped September 27, 2010 at 10:15am GMT.

First 3 minutes are of general background noises mixed with the sound of someone humming the latest Katy Perry song out-of-tune. This is interrupted by another individual knocking on the main office door.

Prime Minister: Come...

PM Executive Secretary: Prime Minister, I have your call placed and Prince William is waiting on line 3.

Prime Minister: Excellent, thank you Gwynne, that will be all.

Sound of door closing, Prime Minister clearing throat and then picking up a telephone.

Prime Minister: (speaking in a loud voice)
Hello...
Yes, yes, I am well, thank you.
How is your grandmother?
Good, send her my regards.

Will, The last year has been dreadful, both economically and in the World Cup. Not to mention the austerity measures that this government has introduced has everyone marching the streets with pitchforks and torches.

What was that?.... no, no, don't worry, that was a figure of speech, there aren't any actual people headed toward the palace... no William, I believe all those people outside the gate are tourists, as the daily changing of the Guard ceremony is going to occur in about 15 minutes...
Yes, I will wait while you get a drink...

Sound of fingers tapping on a desk and humming of same Katy Perry song, still out of tune...

Feeling better... good...sorry, it was not my intention to startle you.
Now, back to the matter at hand. As for your loyal subjects, I don't know how much more doom and gloom the constituency are willing to endure. So my cabinet and I have discussed the matters in great frequency and have come up with several ideas to help alleviate the malaise that appears to have settled over our fair little island.

Pardon, William... yes, you have an idea to help the financial issues? Yes, I'll listen.

It is a fair idea, Prince William, and I assure you I will present it to my senior staff members as soon as we finish this conversation. I will say that it might cost her majesty's government a little too much money to give every UK citizen a new car. Yes, yes, even if we exclude Wales and Northern Ireland, but I promise to present it to them.

As I was saying, the reason I called is to see if you are willing to do a personal favor to the government that will help to ease the tension in the public and take their minds off their many and troubling personal problems? You are! Splendid!

So tell me William, how is the relationship with that girlfriend of yours? Kate,is it? How is that going along?...

Bitterness abound

Dear Congressman,

Sorry I have not written to you in some time, but I figured you were busy lining up a moving company to clear out your place in Washington, while you and your staff shredded two years of files that littered your offices.

Hopefully you are not taking the defeat too hard. Being with the incumbent party when the economy is in the tank generally does not lend itself well to your re-election chances, just as the downfall of the economy in 2008 did not exactly endear the voting public to the man you having been trading the district seat with, Steve Chabot.

Some of your compadres on the Hill have not been quite so gracious in defeat. I would like to quote this gentleman, James Oberstar of Minnesota, in a New York Times article today:

"I expected to leave at some point, that I'd make the decision in due course. I'm not angry; I'm disappointed."



Now, I would be the first to tell you that the American voter tends to be fickle and shallow, voting on short term whims and desires and forcing politicians to base their platforms on the headlines of the day rather than the long term problems that are troubling our country. However, when I see a statement as arrogant as this, implying that Mr. Oberstar has a pre-ordained right to decide as an elected official how long he is given the privilege of serving the good people of northeast Minnesota, it makes me rethink this bias. The honorable gentleman from Minnesota seems to have assumed that because the voters saw fit to elect him to office every year since 1975 to represent them in Washington that he has somehow miraculously attained tenure and is immune from being removed from office at the will of the people. (Or the well funded political action committees and/or corporations that funded his opponent that defeated him, depending on your perspective)

I say, thank you for your many years of service to this country, Mr. Oberstar. Now take your defeat like a man and go do what most of the other defeated incumbents are going to do...

Rent an office, hang a shingle, register as a lobbyist, and start dialing for dollars....

Portrait of the US as a young man...

Dear Congressman,

As you are well aware, we are all headed for the ballot box next Tuesday. Between you, me, and the wall, I would prefer to continue writing this blog to your attention. However, looking at the polls, it does not look to good for that particular prospect.

In the meantime, the TV airwaves are dominated with political ads, as candidates pitch their positions and slag their opponents using bold sweeping statements and quickly moving graphics. One that kept sticking in my mind was the consistent pitch of your Republican opponents, who are running out that tried and dependable fallback banner ad of "cut taxes" and "reduce big government".

Must sound good to some voters as this appears to be the complete platform of the Tea Party. The problem is that everyone speaks in short sentences and no one appears to dig into the numbers and actually look at them. Most likely because this would be the surest way not to get elected.

So, since I am not running for anything and don't plan on running for anything in this lifetime or the next, I decided to visit the Office of Management & Budget and pull the numbers myself.

Lets pretend that Uncle Sam is a rich rodeo clown living in a rich suburb of Atlanta and earning exactly $1 million per year. Using 2009 numbers, here is a breakdown of his salary:

Individual Income Tax receipts: $466,320
Social Security receipts: $351,628
Corporate Income Tax receipts: $125,640
Other $ 56,412

Total: $ 1,000,000

Now, the problem with our rich rodeo clown model is that he spends more then he earns. Then again, isn't that what our economy is based on?

Uncle Sam the rodeo clown spent $ 1,150,895 in 2009. Here is a breakdown of the highlights:

Military Spending $ 294,153
Medicare & Medicaid $ 273,573
Social Security $ 256,592
Interest on debt $ 202,893
Everything Else $ 123,684
Total : $ 1,150,894

Now, since Uncle Sam is so far underwater with expenses vs. income, someone needs to explain how cutting taxes is going to fix this problem? I believe the fall back is that it will stimulate the economy and grow the tax base. So we are going to make it up on volume? Uhhh... doubtful.

Now the "big government" argument holds some merit, as the US government is the largest employer in the US and has the highest payroll, but as you can see by the expense numbers, all the income is spent on Military, Medicare, Social Security, and debt payments (aka the Big 4). I used $1million as a benchmark for a reason, to show that 103% of receipts go to fund the Big 4, so the remaining "big government" amount of 12.4% is not so big a piece of the pie.

In a nutshell, here is what needs to happen to fix things:

either
1. raise taxes to pay the bills
2. cut spending in the big 4

or
3. some combination of 1 & 2

Like I said, I would never get elected with that platform, because it is by the numbers...

Minutes from the Iraqi Parliament

Dear Congressman,

As you continue to battle for your political future in the elections here in the next few days, I took note of an article in the New York Times that stated the Iraqi courts have ordered the Parliament to convene. Now our system of government is far from perfect, but at a minimum we can get most members of the legislature together in the same building for consistent periods of time, if not only to filibuster, hold a press conference, or entertain a lobbyist.

So, I thought I would present the minutes from the Iraqi Parliament, not unlike our own Congressional Record.

REPUBLIC OF IRAQ جمهورية العراق

Official transcript of Parliament meeting minutes : March - October 2010

March 2010: Praise Allah, the glorious election of the new leaders of our beloved Republic is complete! Citizens are dancing and singing in the streets in jubilation over this wonderful event that will lead us into prosperity and happiness. Many members have already contacted this office to find out when Parliament will convene to perform the will of the Iraqi people.

April 2010: Praise Allah. New government is surely a blessing for our wonderful country. However, due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, the elected officials have not yet been able to meet to guide the future of our glorious nation. It appears that even with the great efforts of the clerical staff of the Parliament, the required gold plated name tags for all members are still on back order and will not be available until some time in May. At that time, once they are received and distributed to the honorable members of this esteemed body, the function of guiding Iraq towards its destiny will begin!

May 2010: Praise Allah. Blessing abounds as the name tags finally arrived this month! We began distribution immediately to the satisfaction of the members of this esteem body. To ensure fairness and comply with the wishes of all parties, the name tags were all delivered at exactly the same time by hired contractors. Now this task is behind us, Parliament is being readied to accommodate the needs of our lawmakers as they come together and shape Iraq's place in this world.

June 2010: Praise Allah. Glorious days!!! The Parliament came together this month and met for the first time. On the morning of the 15, a quorum was reached and the governing of this great nation began in earnest. Unfortunately, due to prior commitments of many of the members of this magnificent organization the session only lasted 18 minutes. During this period, the group acted on one important piece of legislature. It became apparent upon inspection by some members of this esteemed institution that the name tags issued last month were written in Chinese instead of the requested Arabic. Thus, by unanimous consent, the Iraqi Parliament voted to demand a refund for the aforementioned name tags and a series to be produced with names in Arabic and produced in solid gold rather than gold plating. Once the vote was taken, the members agreed by decree to meet again once the name tags were delivered.

July 2010: Praise Allah. The solid gold name tags are still being produced. According to the official Parliament translator, the vendor has committed to have them ready for delivery by the middle of August.

August 2010: Praise Allah. An unfortunate event has delayed the name tags again. It appears the tags were shipped via the horn of Africa and accidentally seized by our Muslim brothers in Somalia as it mistakenly entered their territorial waters. To date this body has been unsuccessful in finding out exactly which of our Muslim brothers actually has our name tags.

September 2010: Praise Allah. Eventually the Muslim brothers who seized our shipment were tracked down. As they had already used the proceeds from the sale of the name tags to finance a mosque in honor of the Iraqi Parliament, we did not pursue this matter in the courts of Somalia. After agreeing to pay in advance this time, our vendor has agreed to prepare and rush another order of name tags in time to allow our Parliament to meet in October.

October 2010: Praise Allah. This is definitely not going to go down in history as the best year of the Iraqi Parliament. It appears the solid gold name tags made it to the port of Al-Basrah and the harbour inspector signed the bill of lading. However, due to a paperwork error, the shipment was stuck in customs for two weeks before being released. Once released, it was discovered that some of the name tags were replaced with a batch of souvenir Euro-Disney glitter tags. Additionally, while in transit from Al-Basrah to Baghdad, the security team apologetically let us know that some more tags "must have fallen off the truck on the way". Since there were only 6 solid gold tags left when they arrived, the staff decided to melt them down and leave town, as we now will surely be the scapegoats for why Parliament never seems to meet. Praise Allah and goodbye..

Quarterback parts...

Dear Congressman,

Things did not go well for Cincinnati sporting teams this weekend, as the Bengals fell to a visiting Florida team and the Reds went down in flames against Philly in the baseball playoffs. All said, not a great day for the Queen city this last Sunday.

But, as wiser people have said, it could be worse. Let's say, to take a random example, you are an NFL quarterback living in New York and bored out of your mind. So you decide to make friends with other people in your team's organization to help relieve the monotony.

So you think to yourself, as any rational person would think, that you will make friends with a team "media host" who is 10 years your junior, has purchased an A1 boob job, and can bounce dimes off her stomach. So what that you are married. Just don't tell your wife about this part of your life and everything will be fine. After all, you are a quarterback, everyone loves you!

So you send a few text messages to her suggesting you would like to be "friends". No reply... no problem. She doesn't know it is you, rugged all American quarterback type, so you leave her a rambling voice mail or two stating your intentions to spend some quality time with her.

But there is still no response. So what would a normal person do next? Move on to the two massage therapists who are more responsive to your advances? Maybe... Forget about the whole thing and go back to your wife and kids. Not the worst fate on the planet.

Nah..... I have a better idea! Why not take a few pictures of your most private parts with a cellphone and send the pictures to her!!!! Why, that is BRILLIANT! This tactic is a sure fire way to get any member of the female species to stop what every they are doing at that particular moment and run into your arms for an amorous night of kama sutra-inspired sexual congress that could make a porn star blush. Genius!

After all, what the heck could go wrong? Everyone loves the quarterback!!!!