Dear Congressman,
I don't think I have mentioned that my younger sister is pregnant, as her and her husband are expecting their first child next March. While this has created excitement within the family, it has also led to some major bouts of morning sickness for my little sis as she tries to adjust to living for two. Subsequently, she called me last week and stated that due to her inability to function properly for more than an hour at a time that she was willing to give me her tickets to the Kings of Leon concert at Riverbend on Saturday night.
Thus Melody and I find ourselves sitting on the lawn area of Riverbend last Saturday night sipping expensive but mass-produced American well-advertised beer waiting for the main act to begin on a cloudless evening. Around us are much younger and livelier Cincinnatians who are carousing and chatting to their hearts delight. We weren't the oldest couple there, but we by far weren't the youngest either.
(Before I forget, kudos to the young lady working the concession stand who carded me to by beer, I know it is policy to card everyone but I haven't been carded in over ten years)
Anyway, among a group of college-aged kids drinking beer and laughing was a young athletic gentleman drinking with the rest of them, strutting as much as possible anytime a member of the opposite sex came within five yards of their particular grouping. He was wearing a t-shirt that stated the following:
I don't get drunk
I get awesome
Now, far be it from me to correct the youth of today, but Melody and I very quickly came to consensus that this particular young lad had either adapted some misguided assumptions regarding his behavior while intoxicated or had been the victim of a very shrewd and capable t-shirt salesman.
As he already appeared to be well on his way to his preferred state of existence, I did not endeavor to engage him in conversation to point out the error of this display, however I do have a few suggested corrections to future versions of this variety of vestment.
I don't get drunk
I get arrested
I don't get drunk
I just wake up naked on the patio with shaved eyebrows for no reason whatsoever
I don't get drunk
well... okay... maybe a little
and finally
I don't get drunk
but I do get very lame
Monday, September 6, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Cable fables
Dear Congressman,
I was checking emails last week when I noticed one from my internet provider, Time Warner, stating the following:
At Time Warner Cable, we're currently negotiating new contracts with Disney - the owner of ABC, ESPN and the Disney cable channels.
While we've been working hard to reach an agreement, Disney has been threatening a blackout - and telling Time Warner Cable customers to switch TV service providers.
But the fact is, only Disney can take their channels away from you - and this year alone, they've already pulled-the-plug on Cablevision and the DISH Network.
So if you're thinking about changing to another satellite, phone or cable company, it won't protect you from blackout threats - by Disney or any TV network.
Whether you're a sports fan, a family with children, or someone who likes all different kinds of programs, Time Warner Cable is determined to keep your shows on the air - tell Disney you'd like the same commitment from them.
Please visit our website RollOverOrGetTough.com to learn more - and thanks for being a Time Warner Cable customer.
So let me get this straight. The company that has provided mediocre service and fleeced me monthly for the rental of a "state-of-the-art cable box and remote" since the beginning of time is now wanting me to be it's buddy in a pending Battle Royale for the Corporation Heavyweight Earnings Championship, all because another behemoth is cutting into their action???
What strikes me as funny is both sides accuse each other of unfair tactics against each other while they plead their individual cases for me to back them in the great money grab of 2010.
Why is this funny? Simple, no matter what happens, the cost of any increase in fees between Time Warner and Disney/ESPN/ABC will eventually show up on my cable TV bill in the next 6 - 12 months, thus settling who the winners and losers are in this dispute.
Time Warner will pass it on, stating that they are really sorry but the increases in the cost of programming is causing this change in pricing. The big media providers will plead the need for the increase due to competition from the internet, and the American consumer will continue to write the check every month to the extent they are physically and fiscally capable.
Did I miss anything?
I was checking emails last week when I noticed one from my internet provider, Time Warner, stating the following:
A MESSAGE FOR
TIME WARNER CABLE
CUSTOMERS
To Our Valued Customers...At Time Warner Cable, we're currently negotiating new contracts with Disney - the owner of ABC, ESPN and the Disney cable channels.
While we've been working hard to reach an agreement, Disney has been threatening a blackout - and telling Time Warner Cable customers to switch TV service providers.
But the fact is, only Disney can take their channels away from you - and this year alone, they've already pulled-the-plug on Cablevision and the DISH Network.
So if you're thinking about changing to another satellite, phone or cable company, it won't protect you from blackout threats - by Disney or any TV network.
Whether you're a sports fan, a family with children, or someone who likes all different kinds of programs, Time Warner Cable is determined to keep your shows on the air - tell Disney you'd like the same commitment from them.
Please visit our website RollOverOrGetTough.com to learn more - and thanks for being a Time Warner Cable customer.
So let me get this straight. The company that has provided mediocre service and fleeced me monthly for the rental of a "state-of-the-art cable box and remote" since the beginning of time is now wanting me to be it's buddy in a pending Battle Royale for the Corporation Heavyweight Earnings Championship, all because another behemoth is cutting into their action???
What strikes me as funny is both sides accuse each other of unfair tactics against each other while they plead their individual cases for me to back them in the great money grab of 2010.
Why is this funny? Simple, no matter what happens, the cost of any increase in fees between Time Warner and Disney/ESPN/ABC will eventually show up on my cable TV bill in the next 6 - 12 months, thus settling who the winners and losers are in this dispute.
Time Warner will pass it on, stating that they are really sorry but the increases in the cost of programming is causing this change in pricing. The big media providers will plead the need for the increase due to competition from the internet, and the American consumer will continue to write the check every month to the extent they are physically and fiscally capable.
Did I miss anything?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
And now... the 2010 Cincinnati Bengals
Dear Congressman,
It appears that our very own Cincinnati Bengals have both Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson (aka Batman and Robin) vying to be the starting wide receivers for the offense. They even brought in a replica vintage Batmobile from the TV show to pose for a picture at Paul Brown Stadium the other day. Thus it appears that even if the Bengals revert back to being the Bungles, at least it will be entertaining.
But since we have comic book characters on both ends of the offensive line, I thought... well heck... why stop there? Here are a couple of more suggestions for signings to the team to sweep Cincinnati on to the Superbowl.
1966 Dodge Charger: A perfect addition to beef up the offensive line, the original Charger with the optional 426 Hemi can be signed for a small performance bonus and no hit to the salary cap, except for fuel and minimum wage for a driver during games. This little beauty is sure to clear a hole for Cedric Benson to run to his heart's content through opposing defenses.
Leatherface: On the condition that they can get his release from death row in Huntsville, Texas, this chainsaw wielding special teams player can either chop-block with the best of them or carve his way through blockers while trying to reach the ball carrier. Either way, the results are sure to bring the blood lust to the multitudes of fans watching the spectacle of Leatherface at his best.
Elin Maria Pernilla Nordegren- who better than Tiger's ex-wife to man the defensive line. She probably doesn't need the Benjamins after settling with the ex, but as we all know, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and if that rings true this Swedish bombshell should be good for at least 15 sacks as she takes out her rage on the opposition. Plus it will cut down on the food bill as she will still want to watch her figure as she dismantles the other teams quarterback. As a bonus, with all she's been through she should be good for some major trash talk as well.
Lucky Idahor - Lucky is a Nigerian soccer player who plays professionally in the Ukraine for SC Tavriya Simferopol. He would make an excellent candidate for kicking duties for the team. And lets face it, even if he is crap, that name will incite giggles and cheers every time it is announced over the intercom or by Steve Atwater struggling through a CBS broadcast.
It appears that our very own Cincinnati Bengals have both Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson (aka Batman and Robin) vying to be the starting wide receivers for the offense. They even brought in a replica vintage Batmobile from the TV show to pose for a picture at Paul Brown Stadium the other day. Thus it appears that even if the Bengals revert back to being the Bungles, at least it will be entertaining.
But since we have comic book characters on both ends of the offensive line, I thought... well heck... why stop there? Here are a couple of more suggestions for signings to the team to sweep Cincinnati on to the Superbowl.
1966 Dodge Charger: A perfect addition to beef up the offensive line, the original Charger with the optional 426 Hemi can be signed for a small performance bonus and no hit to the salary cap, except for fuel and minimum wage for a driver during games. This little beauty is sure to clear a hole for Cedric Benson to run to his heart's content through opposing defenses.
Leatherface: On the condition that they can get his release from death row in Huntsville, Texas, this chainsaw wielding special teams player can either chop-block with the best of them or carve his way through blockers while trying to reach the ball carrier. Either way, the results are sure to bring the blood lust to the multitudes of fans watching the spectacle of Leatherface at his best.
Elin Maria Pernilla Nordegren- who better than Tiger's ex-wife to man the defensive line. She probably doesn't need the Benjamins after settling with the ex, but as we all know, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and if that rings true this Swedish bombshell should be good for at least 15 sacks as she takes out her rage on the opposition. Plus it will cut down on the food bill as she will still want to watch her figure as she dismantles the other teams quarterback. As a bonus, with all she's been through she should be good for some major trash talk as well.
Lucky Idahor - Lucky is a Nigerian soccer player who plays professionally in the Ukraine for SC Tavriya Simferopol. He would make an excellent candidate for kicking duties for the team. And lets face it, even if he is crap, that name will incite giggles and cheers every time it is announced over the intercom or by Steve Atwater struggling through a CBS broadcast.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Boil Daddy Boil
Dear Congressman,
As the heat index in Cincinnati again climbs over 100 for the third day in a row, I must (in all honesty) question my decision to quit driving a car and take the 2x TANK (Transit Authority of Northern Kentucky) to work everyday. Not that I am complaining about the bus, which is air conditioned to the point that I occasionally spot other patrons donning coats due the welcomed chill the vehicle provides.
If I did have a complaint, it would be about the 15-20 minute walk each day from my front door to the aforementioned bus. Normally leaving around 6:30, for the last week I have hitched up my backpack, kissed Melody goodbye, and opened the front door to confronted by "air you can wear".
Now at 6:30 in the morning you would think that the temperature outside would be somewhat bearable, but my first block of seven in venturing to the bus stop proved to me that was not the case. I was only a hundred yards or so down John Street when I felt the first beads of sweat advance from my forehead to the lower part of my face. Within the next hundred yards I had come to the conclusion that this walk was going to be a continuation of the shower that I took not 20 minutes earlier before leaving my humble abode.
I made it to the bus stop without passing out, and once the bus arrived the aforementioned air conditioning provided a much needed relief from the heat and humidity. The true confirmation of the weather conditions came when I arrived at Terminal 1 of CVG. As I thanked the driver and got off the bus, my glass instantly fogged up to the point I could not see past the tip of my nose.
So if I make it through the summer and the extreme heat it has provided thus far, am I setting myself up for a chill fest when the Cincinnati winter season comes a callin'?
As the heat index in Cincinnati again climbs over 100 for the third day in a row, I must (in all honesty) question my decision to quit driving a car and take the 2x TANK (Transit Authority of Northern Kentucky) to work everyday. Not that I am complaining about the bus, which is air conditioned to the point that I occasionally spot other patrons donning coats due the welcomed chill the vehicle provides.
If I did have a complaint, it would be about the 15-20 minute walk each day from my front door to the aforementioned bus. Normally leaving around 6:30, for the last week I have hitched up my backpack, kissed Melody goodbye, and opened the front door to confronted by "air you can wear".
Now at 6:30 in the morning you would think that the temperature outside would be somewhat bearable, but my first block of seven in venturing to the bus stop proved to me that was not the case. I was only a hundred yards or so down John Street when I felt the first beads of sweat advance from my forehead to the lower part of my face. Within the next hundred yards I had come to the conclusion that this walk was going to be a continuation of the shower that I took not 20 minutes earlier before leaving my humble abode.
I made it to the bus stop without passing out, and once the bus arrived the aforementioned air conditioning provided a much needed relief from the heat and humidity. The true confirmation of the weather conditions came when I arrived at Terminal 1 of CVG. As I thanked the driver and got off the bus, my glass instantly fogged up to the point I could not see past the tip of my nose.
So if I make it through the summer and the extreme heat it has provided thus far, am I setting myself up for a chill fest when the Cincinnati winter season comes a callin'?
Friday, August 6, 2010
How quickly they forget....
Dear Congressman,
Just had to share a quote from GM CEO Edward Whitacre that was reported in the New York Times this morning. Seems General Motors is going to do an offering of stock for and wants the US Government to divest their 61% ownership of the company.
We want the government out, period,” Mr. Whitacre said in comments after speaking at an automotive conference in northern “We don’t want to be known as Government Motors."
Really.... is that so? Didn't hear this kind of rhetoric back in 2008 when GM went hat in hand to Uncle Sam for a $50 billion, did we?
Now Mr. Whitacre came to GM late in the game, as he has spent many years at AT&T before joining GM's Board and becoming interim CEO when Fritz Henderson was shown the door, but this comes across a little crass, don't you think?
Isn't this a bit like trash talking your dad after he paid to repair the car that you wrecked while driving drunk, and then greasing the local courts so you don't have to do any time in jail or community service?
One thing is for certain, they might be referred to as Government Motors or General Motors, but they sure aren't going to be call "Gracious Motors" any time soon...
Just had to share a quote from GM CEO Edward Whitacre that was reported in the New York Times this morning. Seems General Motors is going to do an offering of stock for and wants the US Government to divest their 61% ownership of the company.
We want the government out, period,” Mr. Whitacre said in comments after speaking at an automotive conference in northern “We don’t want to be known as Government Motors."
Really.... is that so? Didn't hear this kind of rhetoric back in 2008 when GM went hat in hand to Uncle Sam for a $50 billion, did we?
Now Mr. Whitacre came to GM late in the game, as he has spent many years at AT&T before joining GM's Board and becoming interim CEO when Fritz Henderson was shown the door, but this comes across a little crass, don't you think?
Isn't this a bit like trash talking your dad after he paid to repair the car that you wrecked while driving drunk, and then greasing the local courts so you don't have to do any time in jail or community service?
One thing is for certain, they might be referred to as Government Motors or General Motors, but they sure aren't going to be call "Gracious Motors" any time soon...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
AB Tweet #1
Dear Congressman,
While walking to the bus stop this morning I noticed that large monument in Garfield Place to William Henry Harrison
, the ninth President of the United States, prior to that, a Congressman from Cincinnati such as yourself. So I thought he would be a good starting point for my new AB Tweet series, which is a fictionalized autobiography in 140 lines or less per entry...
So lets get right to AB Tweet #1, President Harrison:
February 9, 1773: WAAAHHH!!!! WAAAHHH!!! WAAHHH!!
September 1, 1790: This is the third time father has made me change schools in 3 years, and I don't even like medicine!
April 24, 1791: Father died, so I don't need to worry about medical school anymore, got no funds
August 20, 1794: Wailed on Blue Jacket at Maumee River, them Indians took a lickin' when the Brits wouldn't open the fort & let'em in
November 25, 1795: Anna's old man said no to us marrying, so we just eloped, wish us luck.
March 4, 1799: Got myself elected to this newfangled Congress doohickey, looks like a bunch of snobs wearing wigs to me
January 1801: I am the Governor of the Indian Territory. Would have been nice if someone had told me ahead of time
August 12, 1810: Tecumseh babbled on and on at the sit down, but when his buddies pulled their weapons I knew the score, cooler heads prevailed
November 7, 1811: Freakin Indians attacked my camp! Drove them off but took a linkin' , this could hurt my political career
September 1818: Got Congress medal for that fiasco at Tippecanoe, nothing like a war with England to make things right...
January 1828: Simon Bolivar can kiss my ass!
November 1836: Ran for President, loss to that priss Van Buren
November 1840: Won this time, never thought a dinky fight at Tippecanoe would get me into the big chair
March 4, 1841: Damn it is cold and wet here in Washington, should have brought a coat with me for this parade
March 26, 1841: Got a nasty cold
March 31, 1841 Don't mind the opium Doc is giving me, but the leeches and castor oil are nasty
April 4, 1841: 12:30am "Sir, I wish you to understand the true principles of the government. I wish them carried out. I ask nothing more"
William Henry Harrison is buried in North Bend, Ohio, 15 miles east of Cincinnati on the Ohio River.
While walking to the bus stop this morning I noticed that large monument in Garfield Place to William Henry Harrison
, the ninth President of the United States, prior to that, a Congressman from Cincinnati such as yourself. So I thought he would be a good starting point for my new AB Tweet series, which is a fictionalized autobiography in 140 lines or less per entry...So lets get right to AB Tweet #1, President Harrison:
February 9, 1773: WAAAHHH!!!! WAAAHHH!!! WAAHHH!!
September 1, 1790: This is the third time father has made me change schools in 3 years, and I don't even like medicine!
April 24, 1791: Father died, so I don't need to worry about medical school anymore, got no funds
August 20, 1794: Wailed on Blue Jacket at Maumee River, them Indians took a lickin' when the Brits wouldn't open the fort & let'em in
November 25, 1795: Anna's old man said no to us marrying, so we just eloped, wish us luck.
March 4, 1799: Got myself elected to this newfangled Congress doohickey, looks like a bunch of snobs wearing wigs to me
January 1801: I am the Governor of the Indian Territory. Would have been nice if someone had told me ahead of time
August 12, 1810: Tecumseh babbled on and on at the sit down, but when his buddies pulled their weapons I knew the score, cooler heads prevailed
November 7, 1811: Freakin Indians attacked my camp! Drove them off but took a linkin' , this could hurt my political career
September 1818: Got Congress medal for that fiasco at Tippecanoe, nothing like a war with England to make things right...
January 1828: Simon Bolivar can kiss my ass!
November 1836: Ran for President, loss to that priss Van Buren
November 1840: Won this time, never thought a dinky fight at Tippecanoe would get me into the big chair
March 4, 1841: Damn it is cold and wet here in Washington, should have brought a coat with me for this parade
March 26, 1841: Got a nasty cold
March 31, 1841 Don't mind the opium Doc is giving me, but the leeches and castor oil are nasty
April 4, 1841: 12:30am "Sir, I wish you to understand the true principles of the government. I wish them carried out. I ask nothing more"
William Henry Harrison is buried in North Bend, Ohio, 15 miles east of Cincinnati on the Ohio River.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Wine review
Dear Congressman,
As a diversion from your many duties battling gun loving conservatives roaming the halls of Congress, I thought I would appeal to your palate with a review of a wine I purchased at Jungle Jim's over the weekend.
Review of Luna di Luna 2006 Merlot Rose
Region: Luna di Luna is produced and bottled in Calmasino, Italy by Ca'Montini Winery. Not that Calmasino is small, but Google came back to me and said "try again and work on your spelling this time". Undeterred, I then looked up the winery. They do exist, selling wines under their own name on a regular basis. However, it appears to be mainly through discount on-line wine retailers who specialize in these hard-to-find vineyards.
Opening: upon unscrewing the lid, I found the aroma of the wine somewhat pleasant, with the unmistakable scent of rhubarb and hints of ugli fruit and lemongrass. I decanted the wine for 15 seconds, as recommended by the wino society of Southern New Hampshire and then poured it into a plastic cup. After swirling around to allow it to breath further, I stuck my nose in the cup to better judge the scent. Unfortunately, it was still circulating in the plastic cup at a high enough level to be inhaled when I breathed in. As nasal cavity burns go, it was not entirely unpleasant, but I would recommend using the esophagus via the oral cavity rather than the nasal cavities to truly enjoy the full flavor of this fermented grape beverage.
Taste: Once I had recovered from my nasal trauma, I took the plastic cup and took a sip of the merlot rose. The first thing that struck me was a straw in my eye, as I was not paying attention after the nasal episode and forgot that I had put a straw into the cup. Fortunately, after a brief spell of sharp pain my eyesight returned and I was able to continue with the wine tasting. Finally, I got to take a taste of the concoction without further interruption. It actually was pretty good stuff, considering it was fairly sugary, enough so that I was tempted to financial support a pretty female half my age. But it was drinkable without wincing, which automatically gives it a 4 on the 10 scale. Not bad.
Appearance/packaging: This one gets an "F". Between you and me, Congressman, I personally
would be more likely to want to grab this bottle when I have an upset stomach or a bout of dysentery rather than when I am considering what wine to serve with dinner. It is quite evident that, in Italy, they do not advertise or sell pepto bismo in bright pink bottles, otherwise this design might have given pause to the marketing department at Luna di Luna. I would lean more toward emetic than romantic when visualizing this product.
So, to sum up, through the mouth and not the nose, hope you like sugar, and ignore the bottle.
As a diversion from your many duties battling gun loving conservatives roaming the halls of Congress, I thought I would appeal to your palate with a review of a wine I purchased at Jungle Jim's over the weekend.
Review of Luna di Luna 2006 Merlot Rose
Region: Luna di Luna is produced and bottled in Calmasino, Italy by Ca'Montini Winery. Not that Calmasino is small, but Google came back to me and said "try again and work on your spelling this time". Undeterred, I then looked up the winery. They do exist, selling wines under their own name on a regular basis. However, it appears to be mainly through discount on-line wine retailers who specialize in these hard-to-find vineyards.
Opening: upon unscrewing the lid, I found the aroma of the wine somewhat pleasant, with the unmistakable scent of rhubarb and hints of ugli fruit and lemongrass. I decanted the wine for 15 seconds, as recommended by the wino society of Southern New Hampshire and then poured it into a plastic cup. After swirling around to allow it to breath further, I stuck my nose in the cup to better judge the scent. Unfortunately, it was still circulating in the plastic cup at a high enough level to be inhaled when I breathed in. As nasal cavity burns go, it was not entirely unpleasant, but I would recommend using the esophagus via the oral cavity rather than the nasal cavities to truly enjoy the full flavor of this fermented grape beverage.
Taste: Once I had recovered from my nasal trauma, I took the plastic cup and took a sip of the merlot rose. The first thing that struck me was a straw in my eye, as I was not paying attention after the nasal episode and forgot that I had put a straw into the cup. Fortunately, after a brief spell of sharp pain my eyesight returned and I was able to continue with the wine tasting. Finally, I got to take a taste of the concoction without further interruption. It actually was pretty good stuff, considering it was fairly sugary, enough so that I was tempted to financial support a pretty female half my age. But it was drinkable without wincing, which automatically gives it a 4 on the 10 scale. Not bad.
Appearance/packaging: This one gets an "F". Between you and me, Congressman, I personally
would be more likely to want to grab this bottle when I have an upset stomach or a bout of dysentery rather than when I am considering what wine to serve with dinner. It is quite evident that, in Italy, they do not advertise or sell pepto bismo in bright pink bottles, otherwise this design might have given pause to the marketing department at Luna di Luna. I would lean more toward emetic than romantic when visualizing this product.So, to sum up, through the mouth and not the nose, hope you like sugar, and ignore the bottle.
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